


Tears of Atonement

by The_Dark_Becomes_You



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), star wars fandoms
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fear of Abandonment, Force Bond (Star Wars), Guilt, Loss of Virginity, Lots of tears, Lust, M/M, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn, Smut, holla, kind of a redemption arc, lots of unspoken feelings, mature themes, more like grey, not guilty until proven incest, shameless fingering, shes probably a kenobi, the force duh, unresolved sexual frustration
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2018-05-19
Packaged: 2018-05-26 01:43:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6218671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dark_Becomes_You/pseuds/The_Dark_Becomes_You
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Art thou weary, art thou languid, art thou sore distressed?<br/>“Come to me,” saith One, “and coming, be at rest.”<br/>- Stephen of Mar Saba, 8th Century </p><p>Rey doesn't understand what a Force Bond means, or why Kylo Ren would defect from the First Order so soon after the destruction of Starkiller Base. If anything, the jagged scar she gave him should've kept him away. But it seems to bind them together just like the pull of the Force. Rey doesn't want anything to do with him and yet she still feels the need to pull him from the dark and into the light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoy my attempt at some angsty romance fan fiction. I haven't done SMUT before so I hope it turns out well, there will be smut in the next few chapters. I just love this ship and need to get some things out of my system. I plan to do a few more chapters, but we will see where this goes. I hope you enjoy!

She knows he is there. She can feel it. 

Not simply from the insistent tapping at her door, but from the way the air around her shifts when he was near. It is an incessant tugging at something deep inside her. It pulls her to him, just as it pulls him to her. It frustrates her that it always tries to pull them together. 

She lifts the covers off and rolls into a sitting position. Groggily she makes her way towards the door. 

When the durasteel door slides open, he is there, leaning against the wall his dark hair sticking to his face in stringy pieces. He must have woken up in a cold sweat. His mouth is drawn up in a grim line and his eyes hooded. He won’t look at her. He is wearing all black; he hasn't changed his clothes since he had come to the resistance base. Or at least, he hasn’t accepted any new clothing.  
“It’s late,” she says, frustration and exhaustion creeping into her tone. 

He brings his eyes up to meet hers, and she can see they are watery. He is trembling. 

“I know,” he says. His eyes are still locked on her. 

“I’m going back to bed,” she moves to close the door, but he reaches out and grasps her wrist. His touch does things to her she does not like. It sends jolts of electricity down her arm and into her belly. She always tries to avoid his touch. He always tries to find a reason to touch her. 

“Please,” his voice sounds like its breaking, and she feels the pain in her chest. Her throat tightens. She is all too aware of his grip on her. 

“Why?” She asks. 

For months, he has made his way to her room at night and tapped on the door. It has almost become a ritual. She never lets him in. They usually stand in silence until he calms down. Then he returns to his room. She’s afraid to let him in. She’s afraid of what might happen. She’s afraid of what she might do. 

“Rey,” he begins. “Just this once.” His eyes are pleading with her.

She sighs, “once would be one time too many.”

He nods but he doesn’t move. “I just. . . I can’t. . . I need you.”

His hand is on his face and something like a sob comes out. He was like this only a few weeks ago she remembers. When he came to her in the night and found that she was not alone. 

Poe had been gracious enough when she answered the door. He had even waited patiently till Ren left. But afterwards, he told her that it was obvious Ren wanted her. Not just in the way a man might want a woman. Poe said Ren wanted her desperately, painfully, in the way a drowning man would want air. Rey dismissed this idea of course. She felt that it was only because of their bond that he comes to her. She remembers the look on Ren’s face when he spied Poe on her bed. The odd look of betrayal and humiliation. But then something like stoic resignation or even a mask of indifference came over him. He left without another word. And for several days, he did not come to her. It was only when the rumor went around that Poe was seeing someone else, someone more in line with his tastes, did Ren make an appearance again. 

“I can’t help you,” she says, trying to make her voice sound strong. 

His hand on her wrist loosens, and her arm falls to her side. She thinks of her talk with General Organa, heartbroken over the death of her husband, at her son’s own hand. How Leia wanted so desperately for her son to heal, but he is so broken. So so broken and Leia is helpless. Ren is lost. Rey feels lost too. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning to go. “I know I need to stop coming to you. I need to do this on my own.”

“Do what?” She wonders, then realizes she spoke aloud. 

He stills in the doorway. “I need to atone for what I'v done.”

“How will you do that?” She asks. 

“The only way I can,” he says. She feels his resolve. His determination. 

“Wait,” she says. He takes three solid steps into the hall before she catches him by the arm. The touch is exhilarating. This time, it tingles on her skin and Rey thinks she sees stars. She lets go of him quickly. 

“Come in.” 

He doesn’t move. He doesn’t breathe. But Rey feels the sudden joy, the hope, the longing and she knows they are not her feelings. 

His voice is unsteady, “are you sure?”

“Yes,” she says, holding up a finger. “Just this once.”

They make their way back to her room. Sliding the door shut she gestures to her bed. It is the only place to sit in her small quarters. His steps falter as he tries to situate himself on the bed carefully. 

Rey seats herself on the bed; she does not want to sit too close. She crosses her legs underneath her and waits for him to speak. The silence stretches out into what feels like hours. 

“Are you going to speak?” She says finally. “You got what you wanted. You’re here. Now speak or you'll need to leave.”

He shifts uncomfortably. “I didn’t have a plan after coming in your room.” 

She knows he’s lying. She can feel it through the bond. There is something he’s not telling her. Something he doesn’t want to share. She could sift through his thoughts till it's uncovered, but a part of her wants him just to tell her. She wants him to share his deep dark secret. She wants him to know that it will be safe with her. 

“How will you atone for the things you’ve done?” She asks. 

She knows he’s thinking about Snoke, about killing Snoke to be more accurate. He’s thinking about all the ways he can bring down the First Order. Deep down he knows that he is only alive now by the grace of his mother. His mother was the only one who believed him when he said he had changed. 

Rey certainly didn’t believe him. Even when she felt the sincerity and the earnest hope pouring into her mind. She could feel his emotions, but that didn’t mean she trusted them. She didn’t know if they were fickle, if they would change. Only time would tell. 

He had only been at the resistance base for a few months, during which he had moved from prisoner to traitor to soldier, but never to friend. Even though he provided them with excellent intel and even though he had already supported the resistance on numerous missions since his arrival, no one trusted him. She knew that the loneliness was extremely difficult for him. He longed to touch someone, to feel that someone cared about him. His mother had kept her distance from him as if she couldn’t bring herself to be near him for which no one could blame her. 

“Well?” She asks her tone not unkind. 

“I – I plan to kill Snoke,” he says it like he’s made a decision. Like everything has come to this. 

“That’s what I assumed you were going to do,” she responds.

“It’s the only thing I can think of that might make you trust me,” he looks at her, his eyes searching. “The only thing that could show my good faith to my mother.”

Rey nods, “And you want my help with this?”

“I would never ask you to do something you don’t want to,” he says. 

She snorts, “Oh really? You would never ask me to do something I don’t want to? Do you remember the last few months? Do you remember Starkiller?”

“Do you think I could forget?!" He snaps and she knows he is touching the tight skin of the scar on his face. The scar she gave him. "I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “You’re right. I’ve asked too much of you already.” He starts to rise, to leave the room, to leave her. 

“Wait,” she says, her hand grazing his back. More tingles. “I think I may be able to help.”

“Really?” He turns around and his face hopeful, there is a hint of something. 

“I may have an idea,” she smiles up at him. “But you have to do something for me.”

He is suddenly very interested. She knows that she always has his full attention, but now there is a hunger in his eyes she’s never seen before. Something burns inside her. She can feel it. She can feel the Force pulling her to him. The tugging grows more insistent. 

She shakes her head suddenly, “yes.”

“Anything,” he says. She feels the sincerity roll off of him like some sort of heavy cologne. So strong she can almost smell it. 

“I want you to train with me,” she says, and she feels his heart begin pounding. “And Master Luke.”

Just like that, the light seems to go dim. His eyes are hooded again. He backs away slowly. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says. “I don’t think Luke would want that.”

She knows this idea terrifies him. But she feels it is the only way he can truly heal the wounds he has made on his family. 

“You have to try,” she pleads. “Master Luke needs to be a part of this.”

He shakes his head, but considers her, “I’ll think about it.”

He stands up and makes his way to the door. This time, she doesn’t stop him. 

“Ren?” Rey calls after him, “I’d like to think you really want to change.”

“I do,” he whispers over his shoulder. 

His hand rests on the durasteel door, and it slides open. 

“Rey?” He says, turning slightly. 

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“For what?” She asks.

“For letting me in.”

And then he is gone. Rey curls up in her bed and tries to go to sleep, but the feelings that roll over her from the bond keep her awake. She can feel the relief and the determination from Ren. It washes her in comfort and makes her feel less alone. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I would not have the restless will that hurries to and fro,  
> seeking for some great thing to do or secret thing to know;  
> I would be treated as a child and guided where I go."  
> \- Anne L. Waring, 1850 "Father, I Know That All My Life"
> 
> In an attempt to fulfill Rey's demands Ren tries to reconcile with Luke and of course Skywalker style drama ensues!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are getting a bit closer to the smut! But we need some more character development. Thank you for reading and I hope that you will let me know your thoughts. In case you are curious the poetry is from very old hymnals, which I am trying to get accurate citations for currently. I do not own the poetry or the beautiful cupcakes I am writing about!

“Again,” Master Luke says gesturing to the durasteel practice lightsaber Rey holds. “Your form is improving immensely. I’m quite pleased.”  
  
Rey blushes, “Thank you master, but Shii-Cho isn’t very difficult.” She pulls the blast shield of the helmet back down over her eyes.  
  
“True,” Master Luke says thoughtfully, “but you seem to be mastering anything and everything I put in front of you.”  
  
They are reviewing forms in one of the many resistance’s training facilities rooms. Its thick walls are soundproof and made of blast shield material. Regardless of the support of the now decimated Senate, the resistance has made good use of support funding.  
  
Rey tightens her grip on the handle of the practice blade. Feelings of distress and anxiety linger in her conscious, the soft pull to search out her other half. Deep breaths and focus, she needs to focus. Her breath comes in a steady rhythm and even though the blast shield is down she closes her eyes in an attempt to allow the Force to work through her.  
  
The droid circles her, gliding smoothly through the air yet she still hears the whir of the engine. The noise grows and grows until she feels the droid to her left, exactly to her left and she hears the slight change in tone as the droid begins to fire. She deflects one blast after another until she manages to shift her footing and return one of the blasts back at the droid causing it to cease shooting.  
  
“Excellent!” Master Luke praises. “You’re a fast learner. I’ve never seen a Padawan grasp these forms so quickly and with so little training.” He sounds excited and a bit perplexed. Something in the air pulls at her, causing a sudden feeling of electricity around her.  
  
Ren is there. He is watching her. She feels his eyes on her; the cold gaze that makes her shiver as it glides up her form. She knows he has only just entered the room, but he must’ve seen her. He must’ve seen her working with the droid. She quickly pulls the blast shield back up and meets his gaze. He is dressed in black as always, and his towering form looks menacing as he makes his way over to her and Master Luke.  
  
He stops a foot short of the training mat and makes an awkward bow to the Master and Padawan.  
  
“Uncle-,” He begins but is unceremoniously interrupted by Luke.  
  
“You have no right to call me that,” Luke says, his words cut like ice. “Not if you still call yourself Kylo Ren and still wear those black robes.”  
  
“Black used to be your color too,” Ren replies with unconcealed loathing. “If I remember correctly.”  
  
Luke is not amused. “Why are you here?”  
  
Ren opens his mouth to reply, but Rey speaks up, “I asked him to come.”  
  
Luke's eye narrow, and he lets out a slow breath. Ren turns to look at Rey his eyes find hers, and she sees irritation and hostility behind them.  
  
“Yes,” Ren says finally. “Rey asked me to come. She requested that I train with you.” In his voice is a hint of frustration, but also Rey senses his desire to prove himself to her and to his mother. He wants to speak, and he wants her to remain silent.  
  
But Rey is never one to blindly follow directions. If he wants her to follow his lead he will need to learn to share his plans with her. All of them.  
  
“I requested that he come and train with us,” Rey says. “I think that he needs guidance, and it would be helpful for you Master Luke.”  
  
Luke turns back to Rey, considering her words. “What benefit would he provide?”  
  
“Well,” She offers. “He is younger Master Luke, and he may be able to help me master the techniques that require more movement. It would also be helpful for me to have someone to spar with and-.” She feels a measure of pride and sees Ren stand up a little straighter, his smirk barely visible.  
  
Luke seems unconvinced, “What’s the catch? This seems terribly convenient.”  
  
Rey thinks Luke must be aware of the bond. He must be able to feel it. But, she’s only ever spoken about the bond to Ren and General Organa. Perhaps Leia has mentioned it to Luke. She shies away from the topic altogether because she can sense Ren. His temper is flaring, his leather gloved hands are balling up into fists with barely contained fury. He won’t restrain himself for much longer.  
  
“Master Luke, I really believe he is sincere.” She offers a small smile to Ren in the hopes he will take her lead. “It makes sense for us to train together if he is to ever make amends.” Something snaps in the back of her mind, and she feels the hot fury boiling, he does not want to explain himself to Luke, not yet. He’s not ready. He wants to do this by himself. He doesn't want her to vouch for him.  
  
“I don’t think you are ready to train with us,” Luke says, turning his attention back to Ren, his voice is firm but strained. "I still sense hostility and anger in you."  
  
“Think whatever you want about me,” Ren barks, his body shaking. “But you can’t keep treating me like a child Uncle! Or even like an enemy! I need practice if I’m to be of any help to the resistance and Rey needs a teacher that can demonstrate combat skills. You’re just being selfish!”  
  
Luke sputters, his eyes wide but he doesn’t speak.  
  
Rey is stunned, she’s trying to help him, and he’s sabotaging himself.  
  
“And you!” He says, pointing an accusing finger at Rey. “Stop trying to speak for me! You don’t know me! You don’t know anything!”  
  
And just like that, he is turning on his heel and bolting out the door.  
  
“Ren!” Rey calls after him. “You need my help!” She glances back at Luke to see he is watching her with intense eyes, one arm crossed over his chest, the other tugging at his beard.  
She knows she shouldn’t follow Ren, but she allows her anger and frustration to get the better of her. Charging out the door after him in white hot fury She leaves Luke looking after her with agitation.  
  
“Why the hell would you say something like that?” she screams, trotting after Ren barely able to keep up with him.  
  
He ignores her and continues down the hall.  
  
“Fine,” she says gritting her teeth. “Be a kriffing piece of bantha fodder! See if I ever let you in again!”  
  
At that he stills, then whirls around to face her and closes the distance between them in three long strides. She feels the mixture of emotions creeping in and she pushes them away. She doesn’t want to know what he’s feeling. She doesn’t care. She hopes she’s hurt him with her words.  
  
“And what, pray tell,” he smiles slyly. “Is shoved up your ass?”  
  
Rey’s mouth falls open in astonishment, unsure if she heard him correctly, “what did you say?”  
  
He smirks, his hand running long fingers through his dark hair, “Oh, I see. Maybe you’ve never had anything up there, and that’s why you’re so uptight?”  
  
Her face flushes with a mixture of embarrassment. He’s so close to her now she can feel the heat from his body as he leans in and whispers in her ear, “Naïve and inexperienced I see.”  
  
This pushes her over the edge, and she shoves him hard, forgetting how his touch elicits a jolt of electricity. Forgetting how the Force flows through her movements. She gasps at the sudden shock and Ren flies back slamming into the wall of the corridor and sliding down to the ground with an awful thud. He grunts as he steadies himself and grimacing, rises to his feet.  
  
Rey is numb, appalled by her actions, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”  
  
“Oh?” He says cruelly. “Didn’t you? Did you think you were too good, too pure to use the Force that way?”  
  
She shudders, remembering the forest on Starkiller Base and the battle that ensued. Luke had told her that she had tapped into the dark side. That she needed to be careful to control her emotions. She had raw power in the Force, and she was strong. Stronger than she knew. But untrained, and that meant she might hurt someone unintentionally. _There is no passion; there is only serenity._  
  
“It was an accident,” she says her face turning red as she looks away not willing to meet his eyes.  
  
“It definitely felt like you were trying to hurt me,” he laughs. She feels him then through the bond, reaching out to her. He thinks she is foolish. He thinks she is naïve. He thinks he can teach her things.  
  
“You’re an arrogant, prideful, ass!” She shouts furiously.  
  
He is watching her with those dark eyes unwavering. The smile still plays across his lips showing her white teeth. He takes a step forward.  
  
“Am I?” He retorts. “And what does that make you?” He continues to advance until he is directly in front of her again.  
  
“Nothing at all like you!” She shouts. She needs to get away from him. She needs to calm down. He does things to her she does not like. He makes her angry; he makes her yell, and he makes her want to beat her head against a wall.  
  
“I think we are much more alike than you know,” he growls. Inches away from her face now. Images flash through her mind. Images she doesn’t need to see. Something stirs deep within her, but she pushes it away. These cannot be her feelings.  
  
“How can you be so confusing?” She asks looking up at him. “One minute you’re in my room all kind and gentle and hurt. The next you’re cocky and arrogant and hurtful. You don't control your temper and you don't think before you speak!”  
  
This gives him pause, “Why do you think you know me so well? Just because we're bonded doesn’t mean you understand my thoughts.” His voice is gentle now, calmer and more like the Ren that comes to her door every night.  
  
He leans in, his hot breath on her ear, “I’d like to teach you a few things.”  
  
A shiver runs down Rey’s spine, and she knows he’s not just referring to the Force.  
  
Finally, she finds her voice, “I don’t want that.” She feels her words hit him like a slap in the face but she continues, “I could never train under someone who changes every five minutes and has no idea what they really want. I want to help the resistance. I want to save people. I want to find my family and I want to be happy. What do you want Ren?”  
  
He is very calm as he brings his gloved hand up to her chin and says, “I know exactly what I want.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, well this was a tough chapter to write because I'm terrible at description and there needed to be more description I had to do some serious research on lightsaber forms and I found some very helpful articles which I utilized. Trying to keep this as canon as possible but who really knows what is canon anymore? Comments are appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "O light that knew no dawn,   
> That shines to endless day."  
> \- Gregory of Nanzianzus (390 CE)
> 
> Skywalker/Solo style drama and Leia offers some insight and council.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I hope you're enjoying this story. The process of writing it has been a bit stressful and all consuming. I did go back and cite those lovely old hymns. Anything about the light and the dark just seems so Reylo appropriate! I went a bit over my planned word count on this one, got a bit carried away. I just love Leia Organa and Carrie Fisher oh so much!

Rey registers a stinging on her cheek and realizes her hand is throbbing. Ren has pulled his gloved fingers away from her chin and is doubled over clutching his face. She struck him. She struck him, and she is feeling his pain. Something akin to horror washes over her.

Her face burns, why does he always elicit such violent reactions from her? His mouth agape, his cheeks flushed, and he's blinking at her rapidly.

"You, you-" he sputters. "You hit me?" His throat is choking the words out with an embarrassing rasp. 

Rey is not sure what to say. It did not register till after it was already done. She must have reacted to his advancements the way she would have on Jakku when the men of Niima Outpost were drunk and rowdy.

He straightens, still covering the right side of his face with long fingers. Something moist is lurking behind his wide dark eyes.

"Why are you always trying to hurt me?" His voice has a twinge of sadness about it. But, he can hardly blame her for the practiced response to invading her space. He knows quite a bit more about her time on Jakku than she would like to admit. Their bond thrums with something, not emotions but the raw pull of the Force and Rey isn't sure what it means.

Without another word, Rey turns and bolts down the corridor. She needs to get away from him. She needs to find someplace to calm down. She needs to be alone. She sprints out of the training facility and past the mess hall. She runs and runs until she is winded and panting. She leans against the cold hard walls and catches her breath. _In and out. Deep breaths. Focus focus._

The murmuring of voices draws her out of her momentary meditation. 

"His intel has proved invaluable," the male voice says. "After we receive the intelligence back from Captain Zelyr's reconnaissance mission we will be able to make final preparations for the attack."

"Wonderful Commander," the voice is feminine but grated and full of wisdom. "Let me know as soon as the reports arrive. I want to make sure that he is part of this mission."

Rey realizes the voices are coming from a room around the corner. She must have wandered into the wing of the command conference rooms. Rey's interest peaks, she has not been involved in any of the missions since Ren arrived. She actually knows very little about the plans for the Resistance. In the beginning, she wanted to be a part of the fight, to be involved but both Master Luke and General Organa had insisted that she must study and master the Force before attempting to partake in such ventures. It had caused some tension between herself and Finn since he had been requested to attend all command meetings along with Poe. Rey felt the annoyance and frustration at being overlooked.

She leans her head around the corner, hoping to hear the rest of the conversation.

"Thank you General Organa," the male voice says. "I will return as soon as I have word from Captain Zelyr." There is a shuffling as the man makes his way out of the conference room and Rey ducks back to hide her face. Luckily the man heads in the opposite direction from her, and she is able to glance back around the corner. She jumps when she hears the General's voice from within the conference room.

"Come in here Rey."

Rey is abashed, of course, the General could sense her presence. She often forgets that Leia is also strong with the Force, like her brother, like her son. She sheepishly enters the room, hanging her head in shame and embarrassment. General Organa is seated in one of the plush chairs at the head of the conference table. A holopad and a mug of tea sit on the table in front of General Organa, and she reaches for the mug and takes a sip in one smooth and deliberate motion.

"I'm sorry General Organa," she says. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

The General purses her lips then says, "My dear, please call me Leia."

"Leia," Rey says, the name on her tongue feels light and warm. "I'm so sorry I was eavesdropping. I was a little agitated and I didn't realize I ran in here. I didn't mean-"

"It's alright dear," Leia says, the warmth of her smile making Rey feel calm. "Have a seat." She gestures to the plush conference chair to her left, Rey obeys silently.

"What has you all upset?" Leia asks.

"Well," Rey isn't sure if bringing up Ren will cause further distress to Leia. She doesn't want to damage the already fragile relationship between Leia and her son. "I had an argument with Master Luke." She says finally.

"Did you? Over what?"

Rey doesn't look up to meet Leia's inquiring gaze, "I think that Ren should be allowed to train with me."

For a moment Leia is silent, her brow knit together with concern and she seems thoughtful. "I assume Luke was not too keen on this idea?"

Rey shakes her head. "They argued, and Ren stormed out."

"Ren was there? Why was her there?" Leia presses.

"I invited him. I thought he should be given the chance," she says. "He's been trying so hard and he's given up everything to come back here!" She feels the need to explain. She knows Ren may not deserve everyone's grace, but Leia, better than anyone knows how he has suffered for the things he has done.

"You invited him?" Leia is surprised. "You speak to him?"

"Uhh," Rey isn't sure how much she should share. "He visits me from time to time."

"When and where does he visit you?" Leia says, a thin layer of ice in her words.

"At night," Rey says. "In my room."

Leia is at a loss for words. "Did he hurt you?" Her voice is tinged with worry.

"Oh! No! Not at all!" Rey realizes how she made it sound. "He comes to my room because of the bond. He has nightmares and sometimes he just needs comfort."

Leia's eyes widen.

"Not that kind of comfort!" Rey adds hastily. "We just talk until he's calm, and then he leaves."

"That's all?" Leia seems relieved, if not a bit unconvinced.

"Yes," Rey says emphatically. "That's all. I just, I know he is so lonely here. He's done such terrible things, but he's suffered such terrible things as well."

"I know," Leia says thoughtfully, taking another sip of her tea. "He's always felt things so deeply."

Rey nods, she knows this. She knows his pain. Or at least, she can feel his pain. Feeling it and experiencing it are two very different things.

"I only want to help him get things set right," Rey murmurs. "But, he just switches so quickly. One minute he is kind and gentle and the next he scares me."

Leia reaches out her hand and cups Rey's face. "You are such a sweet and caring person Rey. I don't know if you would feel this way about him if you were not bound by the Force. But I am thankful that he is bound to you." Rey presses her cheek into the caring touch, almost like that of a mother. Tender and kind. Leia pulls away leaving Rey longing for the feel of a mother's warm embrace.

"But, he needs to learn to control his anger," Leia continues. "He has never been very good at that. He gets carried away and doesn't realize who he is hurting. It might be a good thing for him to feel the pain he causes others."

"But, he's already in so much pain!" Rey protests. "He does control himself with many things. But his emotions. He just lets them carry him away."

They are silent for a moment. Leia is reflecting on the son she once knew and the pull of the Force on Rey.

Rey feels the Force flowing around her. It wants for her to go to him, but she doesn't want to. She shakes it off, she won't listen.

"Thank you for being patient with him," Leia says quietly. "You're better than me. I was never a patient woman." There is so much regret laced between each word that Rey feels a deep pang in her chest. There are many things Leia wishes she could change. So many things. But now they are here, and they can't go back.

"Why did you let him come back?" Rey asks.

"I've always wanted for him to come home."

"I know that," Rey says. "I mean, after what he did at Starkiller Base. How did you know if he truly changed? Why would you trust him here with the Resistance?"

Leia considers this for a moment, "I don't trust him, to be honest. I know he is always walking a fine line between the dark and the light. I do hope that he will change. He has come a long way and returning home was a step in the right direction. But, I knew things were different the moment he killed Han."

This statement confuses Rey, "He killed his father, your husband! Why would that cause you to believe he should be allowed to come back to you?"

"I could feel it," Leia says simply. "The moment he struck his father down I felt his regret, his hopelessness. He is my son after all. When or if you someday have children of your own, you will understand better. I could always sense the conflict within him. However, he knew immediately after that he had made a mistake. It didn't erase the hurt; it didn't take away the pain. For him, it was like ripping the bandage off an open wound. It hurt him much more deeply than anything ever had. It was at that moment he knew Snoke had lied to him. Killing his father wouldn't take away the pain, and it certainly wouldn't make him stronger."

"But then why did he still try to kill Finn and me?" Rey asks.

"I don't think he ever meant to kill you," Leia says. "Finn on the other hand, well I think he saw Finn as an obstacle. I believe sometimes he still wishes he had killed him. If only because Finn was so enamored of you."

All of this is swirling around in Rey's head, and she can't seem to make sense of it all. Like a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't quite fit together.

"I still don't understand all of this."

"I know," Leia smiles. "Someday it will all make sense. Things always happen for a reason. The Force is mysterious that way. But my dear, you need to understand that he is different. He has found something else worth fighting for even if he doesn't quite deserve it or comprehend it. Thank you for being there for him, especially in a way that I'm unable. I have kept my distance on the advice of Luke and the Resistance council members. They still believe he is far too dangerous."

"I'm sorry," Rey says, realizing how much pain Leia deals with daily. To have her son home but not be able to be near him, both for her own safety just as much because she doesn't yet trust him, it must be the worst sort of heartache.

"I'm so glad he has you," Leia says. "I just hope he isn't too much of a burden on you."

"He's not," Rey says, she hopes her words make Leia feel better. "I just wish I knew how to handle him when he gets upset. Sometimes it's just all too much."

"I think you're handling him well. But when he's upset it's often that he's craving some sort of acknowledgment. Someone to show him that he's worth something," Leia smiles sadly. "The things I wish I had known when he was only a boy."

"I should go," Rey rises to her feet and bows to Leia. "Thank you so much for everything." She is almost out the door when Leia calls after her.

"Rey, I do believe we will have need of your skills on the next mission. And I will have a word with Luke about training together. I think you're right."

Rey is giddy; perhaps it is the feeling of something akin to a mother who cares about her. Someone who is looking out for her best interest. Perhaps it is the knowledge that she may get to go along on a mission. Or even perhaps the idea of training with Ren. Either way Rey makes her way back to her quarters in high spirits. She is determined to speak with Ren in the morning, she will convince Luke, and she will reconcile their family. She knows it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave a comment and let me know what I you think! I'd love to hear feedback. I will also be finishing up the next few chapters and have a bit more consistent posting. I also have this put up on ff.net along with my other fan fic about a young Ben Solo. 
> 
> I'm also on Tumblr the_dark_becomes_you.tumblr.com (I think that's right) come say hi!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bathe me with your light,  
> Flood me with your love,  
> Wash me in your truth."  
> \- Ken Bible, Bathe Me In Your Light
> 
> The bond is feeling dead now. Kylo Ren isn't pressing into her mind like he usually does. Instead, he's absent from everything. Rey decides his sulking has gone on long enough. She takes matters into her own hands to find Ren and find out why he's hiding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who have commented and given kudos! It's such wonderful encouragement! 
> 
> And thank you also so Mrs. Perry Downing for her help with beta-ing this chapter and for letting me outline my plans for this story! I am so grateful for her help and patience!
> 
> Enjoy the descent into angst. As always, I crave your feedback!

            A week passes with no Ren. He doesn't come to her room. He doesn't attend training. He’s not even in the mess hall at his usual times.

            The behavior is perplexing. Rey knows that Leia and Luke spoke a day after her conversation in the conference room. Luke even told Rey she could bring Ren with her to training the next day.

            But, when she showed up at his door, he didn't answer. She even searched the compound for him and came up with nothing. If it hadn't been for the confirmation from his security detail that he was still in his quarters, she would've worried he had run away.

            As much as she isn’t certain of exactly how the bond works, she thinks she ought to be able to feel _something_ from him. But, the bond feels dead as well, like he slammed a durasteel door between their minds. She usually allows his feelings to wash over her, so much that it is almost second nature. But she isn’t entirely sure how to press into his thoughts. She did it twice on Starkiller Base, and she still reels from the after effects. At first, when he entered her mind it had felt like a prickling sensation under her scalp, but then it had shifted to a white hot burning pain behind the eyes. When she pressed into him, it felt intoxicating, a heady pleasure that made her grit her teeth a bit in order to focus. The shared moment was almost too much for her.

            She didn’t know how it could be both pleasure and pain to use the Force this way. Mind probing was never a pleasant feeling when it was being done to you, Master Luke said. It was painful. But it was necessary. Probing one’s mind only hurt if you were trying actively to keep them out.

            But the bond didn’t feel the same as when he had pried into her mind in the interrogation room. Instead, it felt like the presence of something warm and soft. A touch of skin on skin. An embrace maybe?

            When he blocked her out it felt like he left a gaping hole in her chest. She couldn’t breathe, and she had little desire to eat. In fact, she had little desire to do much of anything. A thick gloom had descended on her, and she wasn’t quite sure if it was, in fact, his feelings, or just her stress regarding his absence.

            Finally, Rey has exhausted all avenues, and the only course of action left is to get into his room. With or without his permission. She decides that asking for forgiveness will be easier than asking for permission. After all, hadn’t he come to her door unbidden so many times?

            His room isn’t too far away from hers, although she notes it is in a section that is more heavily guarded and patrolled at night. She wonders if he cloaks himself with the Force when he comes to visit her at night? He is still on probation, the Resistance keeping a constant eye on his every move.

            When she comes to the control panel belonging to his room, she has no second thought as she enters the code. It’s a reflex she picked up from Ren. She uses the Force to relay the steady movements he made. Sometimes the Force lets her pick up on things that are imbedded in his mind. It moves her to enter the code swiftly. The door whooshes open, and she steps inside.

            The room is dark, and it takes a moment for her eyes to adjust. She can dimly make out a form lying on the bed. It isn’t late in the evening; it’s still the middle of the day. Yet here he is, Kylo Ren, asleep on his bed, softly snoring. She knows he will sense her presence any moment and doesn’t want to startle him, so she creeps in the direction of the conservator. She thinks it might be best to let him wake on his own. But as she makes her way over, the corner of a dresser finds its way into her path and she cries out in alarm as the heavy piece of furniture makes contact with her hip.

            Then she feels him. His consciousness enveloping her and the calming warmth begins to flow through her; she doesn’t feel alone anymore.

            But he is not so calm and in a flash, he is bolting out of his bed. It’s all so quick that Rey barely sees him cross the room. He flicks the light on, and Rey is met with an almost naked Ren. Naked, but for the tight black undergarment akin to Rey’s own practice shorts. They reach his mid-thigh and hang off his hips yet hug every other part of his body. She never really considered what he might look like underneath all of his black robes and yet there is an odd satisfaction in his smirk as her eyes glide up his form.

            “This is a strange change of pace,” He says. His expression is calm, but his ears are turning a bright shade of crimson. “What’re you doing in _my_ room?”

            “I was worried about you,” she says softly.

            His mouth parts ever so slightly and his eyes narrow as he takes a step forward, “Why would you be worried about me? Last time I saw you, it seemed you were only interested in hurting me.”

            Rey can feel her throat tighten as she places a hand on her bruised hip and winces.

            “I spoke with your mother,” she pauses, letting the weight of her statement sink in. “And I spoke with Master Luke. You’re welcome to join us in training.”

            “Why do you still think you have the right to speak for me?” He says, advancing on her. She takes a few steps back and bumps into the wall. He’s there then, right in front of her.

            “I didn’t mean to,” she says the wall pressing into her back.

            “You keep saying that,” his voice tinges with frustration. “What _do_ you mean then?”

            “I want to help,” she replies, standing a bit straighter. She has to strain her neck to look up at him.

            His jaw tightens, and he’s eyeing her warily.

            “I promise. I just want to help you reconcile with your family,” she says.

            He cocks his head to the side, his gaze burning as it rakes over her.

            “What makes you think reconciliation is what I want?”

            “What other reason would you have to come home?” She says.

            “I have plenty of reasons,” he replies, his voice a low rumble.

            “Well, I want to help you make things right,” she pleads.

            He’s looking at her in a way that makes her shiver and feel like she should run again.

            “Why?” He asks. “Why are you so set on trying to fix things with my family?”

            “Because, I can’t stand all the pain you’re feeling!” She says, nearly verge of tears. “I don’t know how you even survive. How can one person feel so much? Ever since Starkiller, it’s like you’re bleeding into me and I can’t do anything about it.”

            She meets his eyes, and he looks away instantly. He doesn’t want her pity. He doesn’t want her to know his pain. But it’s too late for that. She’s seen him at his worst. They can’t help it. The bond is too strong, and it seems to have a mind of its own.

            “I don’t know what else to do.” she says, her voice becoming a whisper.

She feels him soften through the bond. His walls are coming down. He moves toward her and grasps her small hands in his large ones. The thrill of his touch shoots through her arms and straight to her heart.

            “You know I came here for more than my family,” he says gently. “I came here for you, too.”

            “For me?” She can barely speak.

            “Yes,” he whispers.

            He’s threading his fingers through hers, and he’s leaning in. His lips are right next to her ear, and she hears the slight intake of breath. He’s drinking in her scent, and she isn’t sure what to make of it.

            On Jakku, she would’ve never thought to try and smell someone. She could already imagine what someone might smell like, and it wasn’t pleasant. But him. He’s different. And she isn’t on Jakku anymore. She closes her eyes and for a moment and she can smell him, the scent of metal and clean soap. A little bit of sweat, but she finds she doesn’t mind it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren tries to put the moves on Rey, and when that doesn't work he tries to tempt her with the Darkside.  
> Rey reveals some important information about her time on Jakku.  
> Mentions of attempted rape. (Happens after the *** so you can skip)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so slow updating. But life has been getting in the way. I really appreciate all of that are reading and hopefully enjoying this story! 
> 
> Thank you especially to FatalFascination on Tumblr who beta'd this chapter! Thank you for helping me and chatting with me! I look forward to working with you on this little story!
> 
> And thank you to the Lovely Perry Downing who has been such an encouragement to write (and to draw) and a wonderful friend! I'm so glad I met you!

"Thou, in the darkness drear  
my one true light."

\-- William W. How, 1823 - 1897 

          He feels warm, so incredibly warm and solid. He nuzzles the side of her neck and Rey feels a shiver run down her spine. She knows that she has only to pull him to her, and she will be lost completely. Shuddering at the unwelcome realization she bites down on her tongue hard, the pain keeping her from allowing her thoughts to slip into the bond.

          “I want you to know that I’m sorry,” Kylo Ren whispers in her ear, his hot breath making her dizzy.

          “You have a lot to be sorry for,” she replies. “What exactly are you sorry for right now?”

          “For not realizing sooner what I needed to do.” He pulls back to look at her.

          Rey gazes up at him, his eyes such a dark brown they seem almost black. A slight blush is creeping up his cheeks and in that lighting, she finds him rather handsome. Not that she hadn’t thought he was attractive the first time she saw him, but the cold press of the bindings and the hard metal of the interrogation table as well as the fear for her friends had driven the thought of his appearance straight out of her head.

          It wasn’t until she had found Luke on Ahch-To and returned with him to the base that she felt his presence again. The creeping pressure of his mind against hers had given her nightmares for weeks. But eventually, she had felt he truly meant her no harm. He only wished to stay in her presence. Then she had let him in. And when she did, the nightmares lessened, even shifted to happy dreams. He is a constant presence now she isn’t sure if she wants. But he had come to her in supplication many times, and she always thought that in her dreams he was quite handsome.

          It was then that she allowed herself to reflect on the angle of his features, the fullness of his lips, and the dark black of his hair. Perhaps it had been just as much the bond that had reminded her of him, but she hadn’t realized it was there then. No, she simply believed her thoughts were dwelling on Kylo Ren too often. She believed that their meeting had struck a chord deep within her that had blossomed into something she couldn’t quite identify. 

          “I should’ve known right then and there on Takodana,” he says. “I should’ve – Well, I should’ve done a lot of things differently.” There's a rough edge to his voice as he speaks. The things he can't quite share with her through the bond he tries to form it into words, but he feels vastly inadequate. He has never been good at sharing his thoughts.

          “Turning yourself in was the right thing to do,” she says. “I’m glad you did it.”

          “Me too,” he says, and she can hear the smile more than see it, there is pain behind it as well. “You understand what it means don’t you? The bond? Us?”

          She shakes her head. She can’t seem to pull herself away from his gaze. It burns into her, and she feels the need so badly, to touch him. His hands, his hair, his face even the scar she gave him. She wants to feel the electricity tingle in her bones and ignite into something like an exploding supernova. She bites back the feelings, unsure if they are hers or his.

          “It means that we are chosen. Chosen by the Force, you and I,” he pauses. “It brought us together for a reason. The Force always has a reason.”

          “How do you know?” 

          “I can feel it. Can’t you?”

          She doesn’t know what she feels. The overpowering pull to be near him is one thing. Perhaps it is just the remnants of their Force bond? It doesn’t mean that they have been chosen. It could only mean they were unlucky enough to find themselves stuck in a predicament of their own creation. Maybe it is the Force, but she thinks it is more likely a figment of his imagination that is pressing into the bond too strong.

          _That’s not the way the Force works_ , she thinks, not knowing where the words had come. Perhaps Finn had said something about that?

          “I-I don’t know Ren,” she pulls away from him, and he’s left leaning against the wall. His face tightens into a grimace. “Tell me then. Why do you think the Force brought us together? And why does it hurt when you shut me out of the bond?”

          He studies her for a moment, and she sees his hands clench into fists. His jaw is set in a firm line, and she thinks he looks so much like his father right now. At this thought, she sees he noticeably winces and clenches his teeth. He must’ve gleaned that from her mind just now.

          It’s frustrating not to be able to think something without the possibility he might pick up on it. But how does she know what he can hear? How can she shut him out of her mind again? She can’t remember how to do it since Starkiller. She doesn’t think any of this makes any sense. Why her, why him? He’s the son of royalty, a legacy, and the descendent of a Skywalker, THE Skywalker. And she is just Rey, a scavenger, a no one, who happens to be gifted with the Force.

          “I think the Force brought us together to do the one thing my grandfather couldn’t do,” Ren says. “I think it wants us to balance the Force.”

          She contemplates this while she makes her way to the conservator and leans against the small counter next to it. His touch was clouding her vision and making her forget why she had come here. Anytime he touches her it’s like striking a match, it’s only a matter of time before it burns.

          “How do you know that?” She inquires with skepticism.

          “It’s a feeling,” he follows her and leans his elbows on the counter facing her.

          “You’re going off of a feeling?”

          “It’s all I have,” he says.

          “Well,” she says, beginning to feel awkward with Ren’s state of undress and her realization that by now people may be wondering where she’s gone. “I should probably—“

          He’s there again, in front of her now. “Please don’t go.”

          “I really should. People will start to worry.”

          “If you stay,” he says desperately. “I swear I will come to training tomorrow.”

          His voice has tinges of the pleading tone she heard on Starkiller. She remembers him beseeching her as if it were yesterday. _You need a teacher._ I can show you the ways of the Force.  The way his brow furrows and his lips part. She’s transfixed, but she blinks and says, “If I stay for how long?”

          “Just for a bit. Eat with me. Or talk with me,” he says. “Whichever you prefer. I swear I’ll be civilized.”

          “But, you need to put some clothes on.”

          He raises his eyebrows and bites down, chewing on his lower lip in mock consideration.

          “I suppose I can manage that,” he says turning his back to her and making his way to his nightstand by the bed. His black tunic and trousers are meticulously folded on top, and it only takes him a few seconds to pull the trousers up and fasten them with one swift motion. The tunic is harder to get into, and he has to shift quite a bit to get it up and over his head and long arms. Rey can’t help but study the long cords of muscle in his back and arms as he dresses. She’s never seen anything quite like him; he’s a giant compared to her. He’s a warrior. And a killer. She shakes her head again. When did she start hearing that voice?

          He turns back around clad all in black and grinning mischievously. “Is this enough clothing for you? Or should I put on my surcoat as well?” Rey doesn’t understand why he’s grinning so she chooses to ignore it. He thinks he’s teasing her, but she can’t be sure what

          “What do you have to eat in here?” She asks, reaching to open the conservator. It’s mostly empty with a few cold-pressed ration packs and liquids she doesn’t recognize.

          “Nothing much, but I think there are ration packets in that drawer you’re leaning against.”

          She moves to close the conservator and open the drawer. It’s full of rations in dull gray packaging with stamped labels. Even though they’re only military rations, Rey enjoys them immensely. They’re different than the usual food she was used to on Jakku. But, she remembers the first time she got offered a ration packet like this on Jakku. She shudders. The memory isn’t a pleasant one. But she would rather not think about things like that.

          “What happened?” Ren says, almost on queue.

          “What do you mean?”

          “You were thinking about Jakku. Then I sensed fear.” His voice is tinged with worry. “What happened?”

          “I’d rather not talk about it, alright?” She says. She’s afraid if she does then the tears will come. “And I’d thank you to stay out of my head.”

          He makes his way across the small quarters to lean on the counter. Folding his arms across his chest, he fixes her with a gaze that could melt her insides.

          “I wasn’t in your head. It was like you were blasting your thoughts out over a loud speaker. You don’t have to tell me. But, I’m sure you would feel better if you did.”

          “Well,” she pauses. “It’s just that it was so long ago; it really doesn’t matter anymore.”

          Ren makes a quiet snorting noise, “If you don’t want to that’s your choice.”

          He turns to the open drawer and pulls out a ration packet and glances at the contents. He makes a face and puts it back in the drawer then pulls out another. Looking up at her, he extends his hand holding the packet towards Rey.

          For a moment, she’s back on Jakku, and it’s the sun festival, and she’s dancing with the other scavengers at Niima Outpost. Unkar Plutt is yelling at some visiting traders by his cylindrical shell of a payment counter over the price of some generators and Rey remembers thinking how one of the traders keeps glancing over at her.

          Then she’s back in his room. Kylo Ren’s room. And she should probably be more terrified of him than she is right now. But she knows that beneath his rage and his anger he has been deeply wounded by so many things and he’s chosen a life of death and forgetting rather than deal with his family or his guilt.

          “I saw that,” he says casually, still holding the ration packet out to her. “Just tell me what happened before you show me the whole thing in your head.”

          She sighs and takes the ration packet, tearing the perforated edges and scarfing down the contents in large bites.

          “You eat like a barbarian,” he muses. “But I supposed no one taught you anything about table manners on Jakku.”

          She rolls her eyes at this and finishes the packet in two more large gulps.

          “Easy there,” his mouth is up in a slight smirk. “You’re getting food on your face.”

          It’s easy to ignore him when he’s right in front of her. It’s when he’s gone, and she can feel him ever present in her mind that she can’t.

          He glances at the wall clock, “it’s getting to be time for my second nap. So why don’t you just tell me a bedtime story?”

          It’s only just now 16:19 in the evening, but she supposes she doesn’t want to stay much longer. It’s better not to stay around him too long, at least not alone, she thinks.

          “Fine,” she says grudgingly. “I’ll tell you. It was during the last sun festival; they have them every year or so when the sun moves further out of the planetary rotation, and the weather becomes more hospitable. It’s a celebration of the only season we really have there.”

          Ren is leaning against the counter, and when Rey begins to speak, he pulls himself, swinging up onto the counter till he’s seated on it, both hands pressed on the tile. He leans forward in anticipation.

          “I was eighteen, and I’d gone to every sun festival since I was brought to Jakku. They’re usually the only time that everyone—scavengers and the wealthier folks are all in the same place. There’s homemade wine, and people will usually share a few more portions than normal. There were visiting traders from somewhere; I don’t remember where. There were four of them I think. I forgot myself a bit and drank too much and danced too long and well. They came up to me after the dancing and they—“ She lets out a shaky breath.

***

          Ren slides back down off the counter and moves toward her. He intends to touch her; she can feel it. She puts a hand up, gesturing for him to stay where he is. She doesn’t need his complicating things.

          “Well, they were upset about something with Unkar Plott, the junk boss. They had a loud argument, and then they seemed to disappear. I was headed back to my home when they caught me.” She’s silent for a moment then continues, “they caught up with me. They tried to be friendly, and one of them offered a ration packet in exchange for. .  . comfort.”

          Rey tosses the empty ration packet into the trash compactor shoot and continues, “I said no, and they didn’t like that. I couldn’t fight them all off. They were bigger and stronger than me too. I tried, and I think I killed one of them. But then one of them got behind me and knocked me out.”

          It’s Ren’s turn for a shaky breath. “I’m sorry Rey.” She can feel the bond thrumming with his concern for her. His hands are balled up into fists at his side.

          She fights back a tear as she says, “I woke up in the sand the next day, where they had left me. I went to see the constable and was checked out by a med droid. I was fine but for a few bruises and a cracked rib.”

          “Did they – “ His tone is dangerous, “touch you?”

          “Touch me?” She shakes her head. “Not in that way. I don’t know why they didn’t, I don’t remember anything after I went unconscious. I think someone must’ve scared them away. But I really don’t know what happened.”

          There’s ice in his tone when he says, “They didn’t touch you like that. But they still hurt you.”

          She nods, understanding his meaning. “The strange thing is that the traders were gone in the morning. Unkar Plutt seemed to think they ran off because they weren’t able to make their trade with him and they’d angered some of the other junk dealers. But, I don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone but the constable and the med droid about it.”

***

          “Thank you for telling me,” he says, his eyes meeting hers and holding her gaze. “I’m glad you were alright. Do you remember what kind of ship they were flying?”

          She’s puzzled at this, “I remember every ship I’ve seen at Niima Outpost. Why do you ask?”

          He shrugs, “Just curious.”

          “It was a T-4 model Malastare cruiser,” she murmurs.

          He nods approvingly. “I’m sure Niima Outpost will have a record of all of the ships docked there during the sun festival.”

          Rey feels the shock hit her in an unfamiliar way, “Wait, what? Why would you need a record of who docked at Niima Outpost?”

          He smiles, but it’s a vicious, cunning smile. “Why do you think?”

          “No,” she says, “absolutely not. I do not want you hunting down anyone. Or _killing_ anyone.”

          “But,” he says looking wounded. “It would be for you. Don’t you want to make them pay?”

          “I don’t want your brand of justice,” she snaps. “I want people to stand trial, not be hunted down like dogs.”

          “Justice?” He asks. “I was talking about revenge. Don’t you want revenge on those who hurt you? Don’t you want to feel the crack of bones beneath your heel?”

          Rey feels the pull to it then. Some strange and wild thrill running through her spine and down into her toes.

_Revenge._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, I deeply appreciate your thoughts on this little story!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our lovely Space Queen discusses ethics with our fave boy then gets called away on important Resistance duty and learns some very important information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my awesome beta LuxIllume for her help with this rather frustrating chapter! It took me forever to get this chapter to where it needed to be, I hope you enjoy!

O Love, that wilt not let me go,  
I rest my weary soul in Thee;  
I give Thee back the life I owe,  
That in Thine ocean depths its flow  
May richer, fuller be.  
\-- George Matheson 'O Love, That Wilt Not Let Me Go' (1842 -1906)

"Revenge?" Rey says, softly, her brow furrowing. The word sends a shudder through her body and she closes her eyes for a moment, feeling the force whisper around her. _Hate leads to suffering._

"Think about it," Ren says his excitement pouring through the bond. "You and I. We could go to Jakku and track down the traders. It would only take us a few days. You have access to a ship. Doesn't the prospect of retribution interest you?" The unspoken words are there too _together_ , he thinks.

"I don't condone senseless violence," she replies. The thought is tempting. In fact, everything is tempting when it comes to Ren. But she plans to be a Jedi someday and she must be strong. She will not succumb to his enticing proposals.

Ren nods assent, his mouth opening in a wide smile, "this type of violence is not senseless, there's always a reason. Always a purpose."

The tone of his voice makes Rey glance up at him. He has morphed into the conflicted man again. The one who comes to her room at night. She knows that he has always been this man, but only lets it surface when he cannot help it. She knows he would have hidden his fear from her, he tried to hide it from himself, until she had pulled it out into the open and given it a name. _You . . . You're afraid you will never be as strong as Darth Vader._

She had known then that she had tapped into some strange power that had surged through her and suddenly she could do things she had never thought possible. Kylo Ren had woken something inside her and perhaps it was more than just the Force.

"You know," he growls. "I would slay them. I wouldn't ask you to do it. But men like that, they need to be put in their place. The scum." He spits the last word out with exaggerated distaste.

"I don't like bloodshed," she says. "I only do it when it is absolutely necessary. I didn't kill you when I had the chance."

He considers her for a moment, biting down on his lower lip as he settles himself on his bed. "You didn't want to kill me then. Besides, isn't it necessary to make peace with your past?"

She's abashed. Make peace? "What would Kylo Ren know of making peace with the past?"

He stills, fixing her with that simmering glare. It reminds her of the first time she saw his eyes and wondered what lay behind that gaze.

"I'm still slaying my demons," he spits out through clenched teeth, gesturing to the bed. "Have a seat."

She shakes her head, "I prefer to stand."

He sighs and shrugs, "I only do what is crucial to success."

"Really?" She chides. "Just because you assume something is crucial to your success does not mean that it is right!"

Her frustration is seeping through again. How does he always cause her so much irritation? But oddly enough, in retrospect, she tends to calm him down.

"That's entirely relative," he says. "The Resistance and the First Order believe they are in the right. But who really is?"

"The one who isn't harming innocents!" She replies sharply.

"And who is innocent?"

Rey pauses, silent for a moment. "Well, people who aren't --"

_Rey?_

Her comm link buzzes and she recognizes the voice immediately. Finn. Ren stiffens at the interruption. _Of course the irritant would call now._ Rey reaches into her coat pocket and draws the comm out.

"Yes, Finn?"

_General Organa has called an emergency meeting to discuss some new information that just came in. She asked that I call you to come to the meeting._

"Where is it?"

_Auditorium 3._

"Alright, I'll be there shortly."

_Sure thing peanut. See you in a bit._

The nickname always delights her. She's never had a nickname before. She hears the smile in his tone and she can't help but grin. Finn always makes her feel safe and happy. As a good friend should. Kylo Ren on the other hand only seems to bring out the worst in her.

"I have to go," she says. "But, I'll see you at training tomorrow?"

He nods but says nothing, his mouth set in a grim line and his face an impassive mask.

"Alright then," she glides to the door and slides it open. She doesn't want to look back at him. But she can feel his thoughts, the envy, the annoyance, and still the hope. She wonders if that hope will be enough to drive him fully to the light.

\---

Auditorium 3 is a large theater style room with seating around the room and command table at the center. The room is full of officers, very few Rey recognizes. She finds Finn and Poe seated in the corner of the room and they beckon to her. Poe slides a chair over to her and gives her a grin.

"Hey there," he says as she seats herself beside him.

"Where were you?" Finn asks. "I checked your room first, but you weren't there."

"Oh, sorry." She hesitates, unsure if she ought to share about her conversation with Kylo Ren. She considers that it might make him look less sympathetic to Finn and Poe, who have every reason to hate him already.

Finn gives her an odd look, clearly noticing she didn't answer his question. But, he shrugs it off, sensing she doesn’t want to talk about it.

General Organa is standing at the command table.

"I'm sure you are all wondering why you've been summoned here today," she says. Rey is always surprised at how commanding Leia's tone can be. She has the ability to be the voice of a caring mother and still the leader of the Resistance. Leia is a general and a mother, and Rey assumes that these are the fiercest occupations in the galaxy.

"In this room we have some of the Resistance's finest officers, pilots, strategists, and leaders," she begins. "As many of you know we have a new source of intelligence and have been using this information to plan our latest missions."

"At least he's been good for something," Finn mumbles under his breath.

"The latest information has been confirmed through additional measures and we will be preparing for a special operations mission. We have discovered that there is a First Order arms production facility located on the planet Eriadu in the outer-rim territories."

"Yessss. . . " Poe hisses, "Airstrike for sure."

Rey shifts nervously, her heart sinking. An airstrike would mean they wouldn't need her help. She was an excellent pilot, but she had only been focused on her training as a Jedi Knight and not perfecting her piloting techniques.

"We are currently planning an attack; details will be on a need to know basis. Planning and strategy meetings will be set up in the following week and we will be incorporating new members into our assault team. Many of you know Finn and Rey," Leia gestures up where they are sitting. Rey feels herself blushing at the unanticipated attention. Finn on the other hand smiles like he's on a holovid.

"Finn and Rey were instrumental in the assault and destruction of Starkiller Base," she says this tinged with sadness. Rey knows she is reflecting on the death of her beloved. Han Solo was like a father to Rey, like a father she never knew. He would've disappointed you.

There is a short round of applause for the acknowledgement, although Finn and Rey were already properly recognized for their bravery in the weeks following the destruction of the base, the Resistance members always take time to applaud the successes of their team.

"The destruction of the massive weapon brought about a change in the tide for the Resistance. It has not crippled the First Order, but it has made them realize the Resistance is a substantial threat with a well-trained military. But," she pauses for effect. "It has also spurned them to begin mass production of starfighters and heavy recruitment for additional stormtrooper forces."

"Maker, I can't wait to light those boys up," Poe whispers to Rey.

"We will also begin intensive training. Assignments will be tasked out tomorrow and preparation for our mission will begin immediately. All information shared in briefings is completely sensitive and must not be shared with outside sources. That being said, please enjoy the rest of your evening," Leia gestures to the durasteel doors of the meeting room with her hand. "I will request that the commander of Rapier Squadron please stay behind."

Poe rises, flexing his arms at the mention of his squadron. "I'll catch up with you two later," he says throwing them his trademark grin. "The General and I need to talk."

"Sure thing," Finn smiles at him. Rey loves how carefree they both are, how they make her feel at ease. She couldn't have asked for better friends. And two friends are enough anyway. "We'll be in the chow hall," Finn says as he wraps an arm around Rey and leads her out of the command room.

"So," he says pulling her into the crook of his arm. He's warm and safe and he makes Rey feel like everything in Ren's room was just a bad dream "Where were you? Hiding?"

He doesn't give her time to respond. "I get that you're not used to being around so many people, I know that crowds stress you out. But you don't have to hide from me. Or Poe. We care about you Rey. If you need something you should tell us."

She nods. It's just like Finn to be concerned for her wellbeing. It's also just like Finn to believe that he must somehow be at fault for the way she's feeling.

"It's alright Finn," she says. "I needed to talk to Ren."

"Kylo Ren." It's not a question.

"Yes," Rey is wary to discuss anything about Ren with Finn. She knows Finn despises Ren. She can tell simply by the way he says the name. And who can blame him? Ren left Finn with not only a physical scar but a mental scar as well. Finn still remembers what it was like to be a stormtrooper within the ranks of the First Order and although he has seen Kylo Ren at his weakest he is determined he will not be fooled by his current actions.

"Why do you waste your time talking to him? It only ever does harm," Finn says, not unkindly. "Besides, he doesn't deserve your attention."

"People can change," Rey offers. "I think he just needs someone to help him in the right direction. He's so lost."

"He won't change," Finn replies. "He's a cold-blooded killer. I don't know how General Organa could've given birth to something like that."

"He wasn't always that way," Rey says defensively. "And he turned himself in! That's a step in the right direction. Besides, you weren’t born a storm trooper. People aren’t just born evil."

"We both know he only turned himself in for one reason," Finn says, cocking his head to the side and raising an eyebrow. "It doesn't mean he's changed. It just means he wants to get closer to the thing he wants."

"You believe what you want," Rey huffs angrily. "I'm willing to hope he will turn it around."

"You care an awful lot about someone who's never done anything good for you," Finn says, letting his arm drop from around her shoulders.

"He came back for me," Rey says quietly.

Finn stops. "So did I."

"I know Finn. I didn't mean it like that."

"Well, either way. Don't get too attached to him. He's a dead man walking anyway."

"What do you mean?" She questions, allowing the worry to creep into her voice. Was someone planning to kill Ren? Was Finn planning to hurt him?

"Didn't he tell you?" Finn replies exasperated.

"Tell me what?"

"About the contract he signed?" Finn says hesitantly. "The contract he signed when he turned himself in. When his information runs out and the First Order's top Admirals and Snoke are dead, he's given himself up for execution alongside the First Order."

"He, what?!" The moment of clarity hits Rey so strongly she feels as if Finn has dealt her a physical blow. "He is giving himself up to be executed? Did General Organa know about this?"

"I don’t know, but he insisted." Finn's eyes are wide. "You didn't know? I'm sorry Rey. I don't understand why you care about him so much. But, this was all him. It was his idea."

Rey leans an arm against the hall to steady herself. "I can't believe the General agreed to that. I can't believe he chose that." She feels the anger swelling inside her. How foolish is he? What will happen to her if he's executed? What would it mean for the bond?

Finn stretches his arms out to her, planning to take her in and wrap her in his embrace. But, she won't have it. Not now. She pulls away.

"I think I need to be alone for a minute," she says.

"You're going to go talk to him aren't you?" Finn says, scowling.

“So what if I am?!” Rey snaps.

“Just be careful Rey,” Finn replies concern edging into his eyes. “He can’t be trusted.”

Rey nods, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound angry. It’s just, he and I are linked by the Force and I’m not sure what might happen if he’s executed. Please don’t say anything to anyone okay?”

Finn purses his lips, “I won’t say anything. But you really need to be careful okay?”

“I promise,” Rey says.

Although Finn is not Force sensitive he can still always sense when she is lying. But he doesn’t respond. Rey has always been driven. She has always been her own person and he won’t take away her independence.

She takes off toward his chambers, this time she will interrogate him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has given kudos and left comments! I really appreciate you taking the time to show you enjoy my little story!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finally calls out Kylo Ren on his stupid choices and he takes it better than she expects. . . which leads to some confusing fun.
> 
> A little bit lemony in this chapter, I hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where we start to see some lemons! It's my first time writing anything of this sort, so please take it easy on me. 
> 
> Thank you to my amazing and thoughtful beta Luxillume who has been patient with me and understanding my concerns with this story. 
> 
> Thank you to all you readers who have given kudos and left comments, I really appreciate your input and support in this story!

Abide with me; Fast falls the eventide;    
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.  
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,  
Help of the helpless, O abide with me.  
\- Henry Francis Lyte (1847)

 

Rey marches back to Kylo Ren’s room faster than she thought possible, not bothering to greet anyone on her way there. She punches in his key code and watches the door slide open as she strides inside. 

"What have you done?" the words are out of her mouth before she can stop herself.

He is in his room, sitting upon the bed with a holobook in his hand. He allows it to slide out of his grip and onto the bed as he turns to look at her. She can feel the surprise emanating from the bond, but he is happy to see her, he hadn't thought she would return the same day. 

"What did I do?" His tone is quiet and controlled, but Rey isn't fooled by the false impassivity. 

"Finn told me," she says bitterly. 

"Finn. . ." he says the name with a growl. "And what did  _ he  _ say?"

The bond hums with unspoken thoughts and Rey is barely able to speak. The ghostly press of him against her mind coupled with the intense feeling of static in the air when he is physically present are almost too powerful. She feels like she is choking on air. 

"You made a  _ deal _ to get here." She says finally, gasping the words out between stifled breaths. He nods in affirmation. "A deal that says that at the end of it you will be executed?"

He's very still on the bed, his body half turned to look at her. The expression on his face is unreadable. But this time Rey knows better and she's trying to push herself into his mind but he's put up walls of durasteel in defense. 

"What possessed you to make that kind of a deal? I knew you were stupid, but I didn't know how stupid!" She's yelling at him now and shaking with uncontrollable anger. 

"Careful Rey," he says. "You're in very dangerous territory." His mind suddenly opens up to her and the consciousness rolls over her like water. He's flooding her with peace and calm and she can barely hold on to consciousness herself as she steadies herself against the wall. 

"Stop!" She says, gritting her teeth with the mental force necessary to block him back out. "What're you trying to do?" 

"Trying to calm you down," he replies flatly. "Your anger is starting to boil over and that's not good for either of us."

She takes several steadying breaths. "Is it true?"

He nods slowly. "It was the only way. They would've tried to kill me first if I hadn't."

She feels herself on the verge of tears she can't even begin to understand. "That's not true! You would've been given a trial at least!" Her throat suddenly feels tight and uncomfortable and her chest is heaving in a way that makes it difficult to breathe. 

He shakes his head now. "After everything I've done? A trial? No, they would've sentenced me to death on the spot."

"But, your mother." Rey protests. "She would've tried to protect you!" 

He smiles at that thought, a sad, longing smile. "You're probably right. But, just think Rey. Just think for a minute. I think you're missing something."

Rey can feel the calm he's trying to send her, it prods at the edges of her mind in that ghostly fashion that makes her shudder. "What am I missing?"

"Who is my grandfather Rey?" It's a question she wasn't expecting, and it makes her furrow her brow in confusion. 

"What do you mean? Anakin Skywalker is your grandfather." She remembers from all her conversations with Master Luke, he explained about his father, and who his father became. 

"No," he says. "Darth Vader is my grandfather." He says the name with deep reverence that makes Rey deeply uncomfortable. "Who is General Organa's father?"

Rey is silent. She finally understands where he is going with this line of logic. 

"Everyone in the Resistance knows that Darth Vader is General Organa's father. They think you're just like him." She feels her chest heave with the last realization. "They think the General may also be a danger if she's pushed too far."

He rises off the bed and makes his way towards her, stopping an arm’s reach from her. The static in the air is beginning to crackle, zinging through Rey like a lightning bolt. 

"If they don't like how she's doing things," Ren says. "Then surely they will move to depose her. That's one reason why I couldn't let her know about the deal."

"She would've tried to stop it," Rey says. She knows that Leia Organa is a mother first, a general second. There is only one thing more important than the Resistance, and that is her son. She would do anything to protect him, especially now that he has come home to her. 

"That’s a nice sentiment," Ren replies. "But, I think you overestimate her affection for me. General Organa doesn't have the propensity for affection towards me after the things I've done." There is an air of unconcealed bitterness in his voice. 

"That's not true," Rey breathes out. "She loves, she loves you so much it's hurting her!"

He looks up at her with wild eyes. "You can't possible know that."

"She does love you," Rey says, her eyes watery and her throat dry. "But all you know is how to hurt the people who care about you!"

He covers the distance between them and gripping her arm just above the shoulder her pulls her to him. The touch sends shockwaves through her, the tingles begin to subside as he wraps his arms around her shoulders and plants a soft kiss on the top of her head. The familiar scent is back, wafting over her. The smell brings peace and his body brings a calming warmth. She sinks into it, the feeling of her head pressed against his chest and his strong arms around her. 

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I told you, there's many things I should've done differently. I can't go back, so I must go forward."

He pulls his head away from her to look down, studying her chestnut hair and hazel eyes as she gazes back up at him. She looks so small compared to him, so fragile. But he knows the strength she possesses. If only she knew that she possesses him as well. 

His face is a mask of stone to her. She isn't sure what he wants from her any more than she is sure of what she wants from him. So she continues to stare into his dark eyes and drink in his stoic face till he leans in again. His lips mere inches away as he murmurs, "There is only one thing that gives me hope for a future." 

Somewhere far off Rey feels the force tightening around her, around them. It whispers in her ear that this is right. The force has brought them together. 

"And what is that?" She asks. 

"You have to know," he says. "You have to. You cannot be so blind as to think that you are not the reason I am here."

"What?" She says, startled by his spoken admission. 

"It's you," he replies. "It is always you. In my dreams, in my nightmares. Back at the academy. Before I even knew you. It was always you." The pulse of his sincerity and desperate hope mingle in the bond over her confusion and disbelief. 

"Me? But, I'm only a scavenger. You said so yourself."

"Yes, but I'm at war," he says quietly. 

She pulls away at this, "War? We are all at war."

"No, you don't understand." 

"Then make me," she demands. 

"I'm at war with myself," his tortured voice escaping in an anguished whisper. "I want you, I need you. We belong together. Don't you see?" His eyes boring into her as she is swept away in their watery depths. 

"But, I don't understand. Why --"

He cuts her off, crushing his lips against hers in some desperate plea.  

The feeling is so foreign to Rey she barely knows how to react. The soft brush of his skin against hers and the aching pleasure it brings are new. It is her first kiss, and it does not disappoint. 

She sinks into him pressing back against his body as he grips her hips and pulls her up against him. She's forced to part her lips when he slips his tongue through and roughly glides it across the roof of her mouth, eliciting a soft moan from her. Taking the moan as a sign of assent he slides his hands down her back and under her thighs, pulling her up to him and forcing her to wrap her legs around his waist to steady herself. 

The urgency of his lips on hers and the feeling of him pressed hard against her wash away all hesitation. He stumbles backwards and they land on the bed, Ren falling till he is flat on his back. Rey untangles her legs and straddles him, breaking their kiss for only the briefest moment as she repositions herself onto her side. She props herself up on one arm as he rolls to his side to meet her lips with his again. Her hand tangling in his mane of glossy black hair she pulls him down on top of her. She needs him there, flush against her, all firm muscle and hard angles. He lets out a slow groan when he lays over her, still fully clothed and arms encasing her in on either side. 

"You don't know how long I've wanted this," he says, holding tightly to some semblance of control. He will go as slowly as possible, he will not scare her away, he tells himself. He finally has her in front of him, finally he has spent so much time dreaming about this, hoping for this, and he will not move too fast. He will not take it too far, he will go at her pace. His determination to please her bleeding into the bond and fueling her arousal.

She feels him then, even through the thick fabric of his tunic and trousers, pressing into her thigh. Rey knows very little about the mechanics of it, but she knows what she wants. And right now she wants desperately to feel everything, to have it right up against her. The deep warmth between her thighs that started the moment he touched her is now a blazing fire, she needs so badly to grind against him. So she does, pulling the full weight of him down onto her, she bucks her hips up and grinds against his length. He lets out a surprised gasp, then matches her rhythm. Bucking and grinding his hips to match her thrusts against him until he forces himself to still. 

"Stop," he says holding still above her. "I can't go on like this for much longer. I'm already too close."

She looks up at him, puzzled. "Then what do we do? I'm not sure I know what I'm actually ready for."

"You've never?" He asks, his face turning a bright shade of crimson. 

She shakes her head. "No, you?"

His ears are turning a lovely pink and he looks away from her, unable to meet her gaze. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"OH!? It's alright to ask me about mine, but I can't ask about yours?" She snaps, he always thinks he makes the rules. 

"I'm just not ready to talk about my past yet," he replies, looking anywhere but at her. 

"Well, maybe I'm not ready for any of this!" She says, wriggling beneath him in an attempt to move out from under him which causes her to brush up against his length once more. 

He lets out a stifled groan, his arms shaking as he tries to pull himself up from her. The feel of him so ready between her thighs, makes her head swim and she bucks up once again while pulling him back down on top of her. She can feel it through the bond then, his bliss, the feeling of elation and the deep ache of lust running through him. He wants her clothes off and the cinch of her around him while he thrusts, but he is satisfied with even this brief contact, the feel of her underneath him. 

His lips find hers and he glides his tongue against her teeth, she's seeing spots as she feels him grinding over the bundle of nerves between her legs. Even through the fabric it causes delicious tingles to spread out from her core. 

The mounting pressure is building up to some glorious climax and she is determined to see it through. He lets out a strained gasp as he shudders against her, the feeling of him pulsing onto her and the dampness that follows are enough to bring her to the edge. His own ecstasy coming through the bond and causing waves of glorious spasms to pulse through her. 

She feels her whole body enraptured by a titillating bliss that rocks through her from the inside out. She trembles, pulling him down next to her she lays there for some time, trying to hold on to the feeling of rapture as it slowly leaves her body. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for stopping by and reading! 
> 
> Remember! Reviews = Love!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our space heroine decides she doesn't think a relationship with darkside boy toy is a good idea and things go about as well as you can imagine. 
> 
> Then darkside boy toy shows up for some Jedi training and tries to show our heroine that he was holding back on Starkiller.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gah! I've been so busy this summer and RL has been rather crazy. Thankful for my beta who checked in with me just to ask if I would send chapters to her!! And I am super touched that people asked about new chapters, it really does make me feel wonderful to know that you are looking forward to reading more of this story. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support and for reading! I was able to post a little earlier than I thought!

"And though this world, with devils filled,   
should threaten to undo us,   
we will not fear, for God hath willed   
his truth to triumph through us.   
The Prince of Darkness grim,   
we tremble not for him;   
his rage we can endure,   
for lo, his doom is sure;   
one little word shall fell him."

-Martin Luther, _A Mighty Fortress is Our God_ (1483-1546) 

 

 

The bliss that took her is starting to ebb and she slowly returns to reality. Rey never imagined anything could be quite like that feeling, like she was somehow simultaneously flying and swimming. It was a sensation she had never known, at least not with a partner.

The consequences of such an intimate act, is starting to solidify in her mind. She wanted this, she knew, but with him? Especially with him this was a dangerous game. She had been pushing him away for months and months and now, when she had finally given in to the tugging of bond and the power of the force all she could really feel was a sense of deep regret.

A relationship with Kylo Ren was not possible. He was still the man who had murdered people, he was still the man who had killed his own father, and those were things she could never quite move past. Although, when they were alone together she understood all those things. She didn't dismiss them, didn't push them away in some dark hole to be forgotten, she understood his hurt and his anger, perhaps the closeness of him strengthened the bond in a way that made her empathize with him.

The weight of her choice beginning to weigh in heavily on her conscience she glances over to look at Ren. He's still lying next to her on his back, his chest having slowed down from the heaving gasps of his climax to a more slow and controlled rhythm. His mouth is parted and his eyes are up looking at the ceiling.

"I don't know if that was too much," he says, glancing over at her, terrible vulnerability laced in every word. "Was it too fast?"

She's not sure of exactly what he's asking, but she shakes her head. "I liked it . . . I liked it a lot."

He heaves a sigh of relief and rolls onto his side to face her, a sly grin settling on his features. "We can always do that again if you want. Although, I'm voting for no clothing next time."

She smiles, but says, "I don't know about that."

His face changes from the satisfied grin to a deep line and he sits up on the bed suddenly. "What do you mean? You . . . You don't want this?" Of course she didn't, couldn't, how could he be so foolish? Foolish to think she might want the same things he did.

"It's not like that," she says feeling his thoughts slide over her through the bond. "I just, I didn't mean for us to go this far. Then when we did, I enjoyed it. But. . ."

"Then don't say no. I promise, you will always enjoy it," His words are desperate as his voice cracks. He moves to the edge of the bed and Rey is suddenly aware of the dampness on the leg of his pants. He's longing to change out of them as if to physically rid himself of the embarrassment he feels.

"I'm sorry," is all she can think to say. "I care about you, but I don’t think this can go any farther. I just don’t see it ending well."

He is silent for a long while, then stands and begins undressing. She feels the beginning of humiliation and rage festering inside him, his demons are trying to break free. He strips down to his undergarment and then heads toward the fresher.

"That's it then? You're just going to leave?" She calls after him, allowing the effects of his rage to bleed into her. They should at least come to some sort of agreement on this subject.

He doesn't look over his shoulder as he says, "Get out." He's trying hard to keep the calm mask he's set over himself as he slowly closes the bond, he doesn't want to feel her or think about her, or anything.

"We're not done talking about this!" She yells. Part of her wants him to turn back and pull her into his arms, but a pressing darkness in her mind is telling her that the physical intimacy won’t solve the heaps of issues she knows will still be there.

"Yes we are," his tone is clipped, each word bearing trembling force. "You used me, and now you're tossing me aside. Just like everyone else."

"That's not what --," She begins, but he cuts her short.

"Yes it is," he bites back, still standing with his back to her. He leans over and steadies himself with one hand against the wall. "Just admit it, you think you're so pure and so good. You don't even realize when you use someone for your own selfish gain. I should've known. You did the same to FN-2187, the same to the pilot, and now you're doing it to me."

She tries desperately to break through his shield, but he holds it tight over the bond. "It was never like this with Finn! And it certainly wasn't like that with Poe, you don't even know what you're talking about."

"I know what I feel through the bond," he snaps. "Don't forget that I see your thoughts more often than you'd like."

This thought makes her shudder. How much has he really seen? How much does he truly know about her? The idea that he feels things across the bond is one thing, but the idea that he lurks around in her mind without her knowledge. It is too much. She doesn't want to speak with him, doesn't want to look at him.  

Without another word she jumps off the bed and darts out of the room as fast as she can, letting the door slide shut behind her. She barely pays attention to the odd looks she receives from those who pass her on the way back to her quarters. She knows they can see the large damp spot on the inside of her left trouser leg, but no one says a thing. She hurries back to her quarters, hoping not to run into Finn and Poe on the way back. How she would hate to have to explain this humiliating encounter, and even worse, she assumes that Poe would know exactly what happened.

Finn. Poe. They were her friends. _Are_ her friends. The people that had welcomed her with open arms rather than write her off as a _mere scavenger_. They were the ones she went to when she needed help and advice.

She, who'd always felt like the one who was used and abandoned. She wouldn't do that to her friends. She knows there was nothing between her and Poe, they were friends. He only came to talk to her at night when she was sad and lonely, he'd visited her a bit, but she knew that he wasn't interested in her like that. He wasn't attracted to her like that. She knew he had different tastes, in fact she might have more in common with Poe regarding who they found attractive than with who Ren did.

She remembers Poe telling her in his usual playful manner, that if she didn't take Kylo Ren up on his midnight offers some time soon, then he would just have to. She giggled at that, a bit over the implications, and especially over the thought of Ren’s reaction if he heard about that. She shook the thought away, Poe was no worry, but what about Finn?

Finn was her friend, her constant companion, but he was angry with her too. Upset that she had run to Ren when she heard about the deal he made. Angry that she spent so much time with the 'lumbering giant idiot' as he referred to Ren. She would need to talk with Finn at some point. She knew in the very beginning that he may have been interested in her, back when the thought of romance or love wasn’t even a spark in her mind, but he hadn’t shown the same level of interest ever since he had been healed after their battle with Kylo Ren on Starkiller base. He’d spent less time with her and more time with Poe. In fact, she was almost sure that Finn was already romantically involved with someone.

She finally rounded the corner to her small room. She needed a moment in the fresher and some sleep to set her head straight.

 

***

The next day, Rey is surprised to find Kylo Ren already waiting for her and Master Luke when they arrive at the training facility. He is sitting, calmly meditating in the center of the room on the large practice mat. More astonishing is the fact that he isn't wearing his dark robes, but a tunic of a rich brown and ecru with leather laced through and trousers of a deep russet. He doesn't open his eyes as they approach and Rey is wondering if he's changed clothing because he's been forced to have his trousers laundered.

"Your mother finally ask you to change your clothes?" Master Luke snipes. He's been in a foul mood since the last time Kylo Ren made an appearance at training and Rey has taken the brunt of his frustration. Over the past week he has had her repeatedly practice every skill he deemed imperfect. It felt like a punishment for her deserting from her training the day Ren had been there. She's party relieved at the thought of another student for Master Luke to focus on, partLy infuriated that Ren would decide on _now_ to join in on the training.

"I thought I was being respectful Uncle," Ren replies without opening his eyes. "After all, you said you didn't want me in black."

"That's not what I said," Luke gripes. "Well, I suppose you're here now. So I'll have to decide what to do with you."

Ren opens one eye lazily and raises an eyebrow, "Oh? I thought training was in order?"

Luke huffs out an unintelligible sound that can't be tied to any known language and gruffly removes his robe.

"Rey, grab a practice saber from the rack and Ben, you grab one too," he says as he begins stretching his arms above his head.

Rey half expects Ren to argue at the mention of his old name, but he doesn't. She's surprised when he rises without complaint and doesn't even acknowledge her as he makes his way to the racks of training weapons. His own lightsaber having been destroyed on Starkiller Base, he hasn't had the opportunity to make another, and Luke will not permit the real sabers out during training. At least not yet.

Ren is thinking that his Uncle has become a paranoid old man, not trusting anyone or anything. Luke hasn't let his father's lightsaber out of his sight since Rey brought it to him on Ahch-To all those months ago. He's barely let Rey touch it. He prefers she use the durasteel practice blades instead, insisting that he will let her use the real thing when she is ready.

She selects her favorite durasteel blade, similar to Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber. The grip feels cool in her palm as she wraps her fingers around it. Ren selects a menacing looking blade with a grey handle and black grips. Rey notes that it has a farther reach than her own practice saber and with his already daunting wingspan she will need to be careful.

"Alright, we'll be practicing block and parry in the soresu form today," Master Luke says unenthusiastically. "Ben, you're only here as a partner right now, so go easy on her."

"Easy on me?!" She cries indignantly. "I beat him on Starkiller!"

"Easy now," Luke replies. "I know my nephew and if he had wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be here."

Ren's face doesn't change even as Rey knows he's smiling on the inside. Even though he's blocking her through the bond she still gets small emotions wafting over every so often. She grits her teeth, tightening her grip around the handle of her blade. She's not going to go easy on him.

Preparing her battle stance, she lifts the lightsaber overhead in the correct position for soresu. Ren nods, finally acknowledging her, but still not meeting her eyes.

"When I say _begin_ , Ben you will thrust at Rey and she will parry your blade away," Luke says.

"How appropriate," Ren mutters. Rey blushes crimson and loses her grip on the handle of her blade for a moment, then steadies herself.

"What's that?" Luke asks.

"Nothing, sorry." Ren responds. "Whenever you're ready Uncle."

Luke nods, "Begin."

Without any warning Ren is suddenly in front of her, his blade slicing through the air so close to her shoulder she's forced to leap back. Still unsteady in her use of the Force for agility she clumsily lands on her two feet and tries to bring her blade up as quickly as she can to deflect Ren's next attack, his blade already in motion.

He side steps her in one fluid motion and lands to her left his blade pressed against her neck.

"Yield," he says triumphantly.

"I think I said thrust, not slash," Luke says as he sits down cross-legged on the floor. "Rey, you need to trust your instincts, listen to the force as you move your weapon."

Ren pulls the blade away from her throat and Rey heaves an unsteady breath. "Yes, master Luke."

"And Ben," Luke says, irritation mixing in with his already gruff tone. "I said go easy, you know she's still learning. You don't need to prove a point."

Ren clenches his jaw and tightens his grip on the practice saber handle, "I’ll try. But it might be good for her to see what she's really up against."

"You're not her teacher," Luke replies. "I am."

"I don’t want him to hold back!" Rey says suddenly, wanting to know the true extent of his powers. "I want to see what he can really do."

Luke seems about to protest when his comm link suddenly blasts.

<<Master Skywalker, you're wanted in General Organa's chamber, sir.>>

Luke sighs, "she knows I'm supposed to be training right now." But he reaches for the comm and responds.

"I'll be right there," he says, then turning to his apprentice and nephew. "You two continue practicing, I'll be back."

He turns and heads through the sliding durasteel doors and calls over his shoulder before he disappears, "And go easy Ben!"

Once Master Luke is gone and the door has slid shut Ren turns to Rey, his gaze raking over her in a far too intimate way.

"Well?" He asks, "Want to do some real practice?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and as always, please remember that:  
> Reviews = LOVE!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sparring can lead to many things, but in this case it leads to dangerous missions and new lightsabers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has been super busy, sorry for the length of time between posting!!  
> Thank you to Luxillume for her faithful beta-ing! I appreciate how you look at things multiple times and talk them out with me even when I hate what I've written. Your help is so needed and appreciated, thank you so much. 
> 
> Thank you all for continuing to read and comment!

"Here I raise my Ebenezer,  
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;  
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,  
Safely to arrive at home."  
**Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing**  
By: Robert Robinson, 1735-90

 

His widening grin sets her on edge. Reminding her of what lies behind the handsome face, the scar, the hair. The anger, hatred, and confusion she knows can easily turn him from the lost boy into the cruel and calculating man. The same man that draws her in. She shakes her head, it’s not him, she reminds herself. It is the Force that draws her to him.

 

"Come on," he chides. "You know you want to."

 

Being alone with him again is unsettling. Especially since last time had been so intense, leading to Rey give into her basest urges. She can't have that again. She has to be strong. She is going to be a Jedi.

 

"I think we should do what Master Luke requested," she responds, half to convince him and half to convince herself.

 

"You forget, I can feel it." His voice is soft. "I can feel your hesitation."

 

Rey rolls her eyes, "I know you can tell I would like to spar with you, but I'm also going to abide by Master Luke."

 

"Fine," Ren responds. "You're more timid than I gave you credit for."

 

That causes her to pause. She's never been timid. She's been quiet when need be, but she knows she has a strength and ferocity in her that are especially vibrant when she is wielding a weapon. She defeated him before, she could do it again.

 

"Fine," Rey says, "just once. We'll spar once. But we need to be practicing when Master Luke returns."

 

Ren chuckles darkly at that. "I'm not going to go easy."

 

"Good," Rey smirks. "Then it will be that much sweeter when I beat you."

 

Ren's grin is razor sharp as he twirls his practice blade and begins to circle her. He is a no less intimidating figure when not garbed in his usual black tunic and surcoat. Rey is also thankful that his cowl and helmet are not here, as they only add to his menacing height. The thought of his mask sends a shiver down her spine and she tightens her grip on the handle of her blade, reaching with her mind to touch the Force around her.

 

He circles her counterclockwise, twirling his blade the whole time. Rey moves along with him, never turning her back to him. One of his strides is worth four of hers so she has to take faster steps to keep up with him. She isn't petite but compared to him she feels significantly small.

 

"Do I go first or do you go first?" She teases.

 

He merely scoffs, but suddenly he is coming at her full force with heavy slashing attacks. His blade whistles through the air with such speed and ferocity that Rey is taken aback and left to parry and block the blade in defense. She loses her footing as she stumbles back and their blades connect as Ren tries to disarm her. Her grasp on the hilt is failing, but she lunges left and re-positions her hands on the grip and lashes out, striking Ren's blade with such power it forces him to step back.

 

_Let the Force flow through you._

She hears the voice whisper to her like it always does when she reaches out to the Force. Before she had touched the lightsaber at Takodana she had felt the voice, but she had never heard it. Just small whispers in the back of her mind. When she heard the voice in her vision it was like coming home. Something that both thrilled and terrified her. She believed now that it was the call of the Force. She lets the words flow through her and feels the swell of the Force as it dictates her movement.

 

She feels it then, time slowing down, hearts beating in sync. The Force is pulling them together.

 

_Trust your instincts my dear. Let the Force guide you._

 

She closes her eyes and feels it pulse around her. The voice is like her own or like a dear friend, guiding her. It flows into her and her breathing regulates. Her heart is no longer hammering in her chest, her breathing is now steady, and her body feels strong. It feels stronger than it ever has before.

 

When she opens her eyes she can see that Ren has only just recovered from her blow. He moves forward again, but now she can sense where his intentions lay and she sees his movements even before he makes them. Every strike he makes, she sees and blocks in smooth rhythm, it is almost like a dance as they step by step make their way around the training room. Kylo Ren always advancing on her until she is almost backed into the rack of training sabers. It is then that Rey reaches out with the Force and pulls, feeling the weight of Ren's practice saber as it wobbles in his grip unsteadily and then freezes.

 

Rey's triumphant smile at her successful use of the Force lasts only for a moment as Ren breaks through her grip and tears forward crashing into her with such force is knocks the wind out of her. He lands on top of her clumsily, crushing her with his full weight and suddenly she can't breathe, she's lost her focus on the Force and she struggles to get in air. Ren huffs for a moment before he rolls off of her, also trying to catch his breath.

 

"What happened?" Rey asks, stunned that she had been able to stop him, but equally stunned with how quickly he managed to break through her hold on him.

 

"You went into battle meditation," he wheezes out through strained breaths as he sits up, crossing his legs over each other and then stands. He extends his arm out to help her up but she knocks it away and pulls herself to her feet gracefully. "And then you used the bond against me."

 

"Used the bond against you?" She says, incredulous at this accusation.

 

"You used it to see how I would attack and you even seemed to emulate my style of fighting," he says and he can't hide the surprise and pride in his voice.

 

Rey straightens her tunic out and picks up the practice blade where she dropped it.

 

"Care to go again?" She asks.

 

He shifts uncomfortably glancing back to the door, "I don't think that's a good idea."

 

"Why not?" She cries.

 

"Because my Uncle is returning," he says quietly. "And he's not alone."

 

As if on cue, the doors of the training facility slide open and Master Luke enters, followed closely by General Organa and Poe Dameron.

 

Ren straightens at the sight of his mother and Poe. General Organa's eyes pass over Rey quickly and settle on her son, taking in his new clothing.

 

"I'm happy to see you've changed your clothes," she says, after a short pause. "I always thought black looked so harsh on you."

 

Ren's face seems to change from pale to slightly flushed as he says, "Hello General."

 

She smiles a soft smile, one that must be only for him. A mother's smile to her only son.

 

Even though they have been on the base for months, they have barely seen each other. The Resistance leaders made sure that Ren and his mother are rarely in the same place at the same time and never alone. Fear that Ren might do to her as he did to Han Solo is the main cause of the high security, but also concern that he might try to manipulate his mother or gain additional information about the Resistance to deliver to Snoke. His contract had apparently gotten him some freedoms around the base but still no implicit trust from any of the higher commanding officers.

 

Poe smiles brightly, "well, isn't this a fun reunion!" His jovial tone breaking through the tension, but putting no one at ease.

 

General Organa smiles again, but this smile is different it is her pained smile that is lined with age.

"We've come to discuss the upcoming mission. Ben, you'll be expected to help on this mission. Your Uncle and I have decided that you will be flying with Rey. We have a very important mission for you both."

 

Ren's face is set in a line that may be unreadable to many, but Rey knows he is intrigued by the mention of a mission. He was born to battle, born to wield a saber and born to conquer and rule. To him it is a birthright, a legacy for which he is the only heir.

 

"What is the mission?" he asks calmly, but Rey feels the static of Force pulse through him. He's longing to be back in battle, longing for the feel of bone crunching and skin burning. She shudders at this thought and feels him clamp down on it quickly, like the blowing out of a candle. It is there for a mere second before it is snuffed out.

 

Poe seems to hesitate for a moment his eyes shifting from Rey to Ren, and then says, "you and Rey will be landing on Eriadu and creating a distraction that allows for the main generators of their shields to be disabled. It is highly dangerous."

 

The General nods, Luke seems upset at this, clenching his fist and setting his jaw, but stays silent. Rey is too excited to stay calm and she blurts, "will I be flying the Falcon?" She hasn’t had a chance to fly since returning from Ahch-To and she misses the feel of it.

 

Ren's jaw sets ignoring her question and says, "why such a dangerous mission? Rey shouldn't be going on this, she's not ready."

 

"I am ready," she says angrily, pulling on the bond to silence him. "I've practiced a lot and I'm ready to really start fighting."

 

It's General Organa who breaks the silence, "We have selected Rey to go on this mission because she is capable, intelligent, and she is a Jedi in training. She needs to have the opportunity to use her skills."

 

"Besides, she's stronger than you think," Poe says, his admiration clear, but his tone has an edge to it as he glares at Kylo Ren.

 

"I don't need _you_ to tell me anything about her," Ren snaps back. "I know what she's capable of more than you."

 

Poe’s face shifts from obvious derision to a slight smile as he lets out a whistle, "You Skywalkers and your short tempers. If you all weren't so damn pretty you'd make a lot of enemies _very_ quickly."

 

Ren is at a loss for words at this and chooses to ignore Poe, turning to his mother he says, "I don't have a lightsaber. I can fight without one well enough, but I don't like the odds for Rey and myself if we're inadequately armed."

 

"Exactly what are you asking?" Luke breaks in suddenly.

 

"Give us permission to go out and obtain Kyber crystals to build our own lightsabers," Ren says, his tone firm but respectful. "If Rey is ready for a mission then you have to think she is ready to build her own blade."

 

"She has a blade," Luke says.

 

"I do?" Rey says surprised.

 

"Yes, my father's blade," Luke replies firmly.

 

Ren seems about to protest but bites down on his lip instead. "But perhaps you can at least agree that I need a new blade?"

 

Luke nods, "You do, and I've thought about this already. We will all will go collect Kyber crystals together and I will help you fashion a new working lightsaber. We will leave tomorrow and be back in two cycles."

 

Rey is hesitant with the entire exchange, she feels out of place in this conversation. It seems like some sort of family squabble she shouldn't be privy to. Poe and Ren seem to sense her discomfort at the same time, Poe giving her a smile and moving to put an arm around her. Ren, clenching his jaw tighter moves away from Rey to stand opposite his mother.

 

"If I'm not needed any longer, then I will take my leave and prepare for our departure tomorrow?" Ren says inching awkwardly towards the door.

 

"Actually Ben, I was hoping to chat with you and Luke alone for a moment," General Organa says tightly, then turning her attention to the others. "Rey? Poe? May I meet you in my chambers in thirty minutes?"

 

Poe and Rey nod in unison and Rey slips out from under Poe's arm to place the practice blade back on the weapons rack. Ren makes a soft snorting sound out through his nose while he shakes his head, causing Rey and Poe to give him an odd look. Poe immediately quirks his face into a smile that is a mixture of understanding and flippancy and whispers to Ren so only he and Rey can hear, "Don't worry big guy, I don't think you have much competition."

 

Poe's statement causes Rey to flush bright crimson and she moves to exit the room as quickly as possible. She won't look back at him and give him the satisfaction of her embarrassment.

 

But Ren's nostrils flare and eyes widen and he seems about to respond when Luke cuts in, "Alright boys, let's not ruffle any feathers. The General is waiting."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Come say hi to me on Tumblr The-Dark-Becomes-You :)
> 
> Reviews are appreciated! Thank you for taking time out of your day to read.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe talk about relationships and then General Organa lets them in on the plans for the Eriadu mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I've been absent for over 106 days! I couldn't believe it. Some exciting things happened. I had a baby, went to Emerald City Comic Con, and I returned to work! For those who encouraged me to continue with my fic even in my absence, thank you! I took a longer break than expected both due to life changes and to quite a bit of feeling like this fic isn't the best. But I hope there are some out there who are still reading and enjoying.

It matters not how strait the gate, 

      How charged with punishments the scroll, 

I am the master of my fate, 

      I am the captain of my soul.

\-- William Ernest Henley

 

 

***

Rey and Poe make their way out of the training room and towards the housing quarters of the Resistance's higher leadership. The large hallways are cold, but Rey doesn't notice, she still feels the heat from her dual with Ren and her cheeks are still flushed. Ren's proximity had been almost too much for her, and there was the awkward feeling when she saw them, Ren, his uncle, and his mother all together in the same room. For all their issues they were still a family. Perhaps a broken one, but still. She had never known the binding of blood. Master Luke, the General, and Ren they made her feel a desire for that, even if it meant that much pain and difficulty. It didn't help that Poe liked to make jokes. 

 

"Gee that boy has it bad for you Rey," Poe laughs as they walk.

 

Rey feels the blush spreading from her cheeks to her neck. "Yes, well, I think he's made that quite clear." She's not entirely sure she believes those words, but only because she'd wondered why he might feel that way. No one had ever looked at her the way he did. Not here on the base and certainly not on Jakku.

 

"Oh?" Poe cocks an eyebrow at her, his grin widening. "And?"

 

"And nothing," Rey responds, her irritation evident.

 

"Really?" Poe says, leaning his head to the side with a disbelieving smirk. "You're not a very good liar Rey. What happened?"

 

"I don't want to talk about it," She says.

 

"You can talk to me," Poe says, his tone shifting to something more serious. "You know you can. I'm not going to judge you."

 

Rey sighs, she wants to make sense of everything she did, everything they did. But she isn't sure how talking about it might make things worse for her and Ren. But she gives in any way. She knows it's time to seek some advice.

  
"Okay, well you have to promise not to say anything to anyone okay?"

 

"Even Finn?"

 

"Especially Finn," she says.

 

Poe scowls at this but nods slowly, "Okay, tell me."

 

"I went to yell at Ren about the contract, Finn told me by the way. I can’t believe you didn’t!" She sucks in a breath and continues, "We yelled at each other and then he said some things about how he feels about me and that he did it for me. Then he kissed me."

 

"Just a kiss?"

 

"Well," she pauses, searching for the right words. "It was more than a kiss, and it was wonderful, and I wanted it, but then I realized it would never work between us. So I told him that. He got angry, and he told me to get out."

 

Poe's face is grave at this news. "Let me get this straight. So he kissed you, and you both wanted more. How far did this kiss go?"

 

Rey's face flushes an even deeper shade of crimson, and she doesn't respond for a moment, "far enough that I realized I was sending him the wrong message. It can't work out between us, so I told him."

 

"So you told him it wouldn't work out after you'd already had your way with him?" Poe is incredulous.

 

"I did not HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!" Rey says shocked, "No clothing came off, Maker Poe, why do you always assume things!?"

 

"Sorry, I never thought you'd blush so much over a single kiss." He says throwing his hands up in the air. "Besides, you have to know that he made himself extremely vulnerable to you and you responded. But then you shut him down. That's got to hurt."

 

Rey remembers his soft lips on hers, so needy, so urgent, and his warm body above her, driving her to some sort of ecstasy she had only ever heard about on holovids or read in some dirty holobook when she came across them. She knew it wasn't just her base urges that had affected their union, it was something more powerful, the Force had pulled them together, and she had almost felt that she had no choice but to do what she did.

 

"You're awfully quick to defend someone who tortured you," Rey says with annoyance.

 

"And you're awfully quick to make out with someone who tortured you," Poe counters quickly.

  
"Make out?"

 

" _Kiss_."

  
Rey finds herself rolling her eyes. "Well, he didn't torture me like he tortured you."  
  
At that Poe's face turns grave for a moment, and he puts a hand on Rey's shoulder slowing her pace. "I believe people can change; it just takes finding the right person. It's almost like the world will seem so black and white one moment, but then you meet someone, and suddenly you can see everything in blazing color."

 

He smiles a little at some secret memory this has made him think of, and he blushes. "Sorry, getting distracted. I'm just saying that he's a big broken man, handsome and powerful, but dumb. Not to mention he has a temper. And I'd imagine he'll act out if he gets hurt."

 

"I know what I said hurt him. But then he started saying awful things about how I had used him and how I had used you and Finn." She's very close to tears as they round the corner to General Organa's chambers. She won't allow herself to cry, no, not over this. She blinks rapidly to rid herself of the traitorous tears, and Poe pulls his identification key chip out and presents it to the two guards who are always stationed outside General Organa's chambers. The two men nod assent and key in the code to the door.

 

When it slides open Rey gasps in wonder at the decoration of the General's chambers. It is not decadent by any means. It is plain with a bed, desk, chairs and small kitchenette much like Ren's room. The left side of the chamber has a slight hallway that Rey assumes leads down to the fresher. It is not the room itself that surprises and delights her; it is the vast array of greens facing the port window. Many of plants are hung in pots or stacked on what appears to be duracrete blocks.

 

"Those are beautiful!" She exclaims, reaching out to run her fingers along the leaves and buds of a nearby plant.

 

"Yeah," Poe sighs. "A lot of these were plants native to Alderaan, her home planet. You know it was destroyed like the Hosnian system?"

 

"I remember reading about it in a holobook once, but nothing much on the details. The First Order destroyed it right?"

 

"Well, yes. Not just exactly the First Order. It was the Empire. But Darth Vader, Leia's father destroyed it. He gave the order, and they blew up the planet. He made Leia watch."

 

"That's terrible," Rey feels her heart ache for the General. Leia is strong, always strong for everyone else. She rarely shows her fear or her anguish. Master Luke told her that Leia was strong for him when he needed her when he went to face his father. Ren's grandfather.  She was strong for Han. She is strong for her people. She was strong for Alderaan. How it must make her ache that she has no home planet. Even Jakku is better than nothing.

 

Poe takes a seat in the chair to the left of the General's desk.

 

"So, what're you going to do about lover boy?" Poe asks. "I don't think broken hearted Kylo Ren will be much fun to deal with."

 

"I don't know," Rey says still gliding her fingers along the delicate fronds of a grapevine plant. "I think I said what I could say. It won't work out between us, and he wants more than I can give. I've never even . . ." She pauses, turning towards Poe with a sad smile on her face. "He was my first kiss. I-I just don’t know anything about relationships. And really, why would someone like him be interested in someone like me?"

 

The smile the spreads across Poe's face makes her heart feel nearly full to bursting. Poe is all warmth and light and complete acceptance, and he stands up, reaching for her and pulling her to him. His arms wrap around her softly, and he whispers, "You deserve every happiness in the world Rey. You deserve the best. You're worthy of a love so fierce it lasts into eternity."

 

Rey feels the lump in her throat beginning to return. She returns Poe's hug and feels herself calming. To have friends like this, she had never imagined what it could be like to have friends that cared for her. Friends she didn't have to compete with for survival. They would protect each other.

 

"I hope I'm not interrupting," General Organa said from the doorway, her lips pursed into a small frown. "Rey, why don't you have a seat here," she pats the other chair on the opposite side of the desk. Rey pulls herself from Poe's embrace and sits on the chair as instructed, her heart pounding, there must be some special reason she and Poe have been called to General Organa's personal chambers.

 

Poe offers his easy smile and sits down in the chair closest to him. General Organa seems to prefer to stand and Rey wonders if it is because she's a much smaller woman that she feels more in control when she stands or is it just years of standing in the Senate that has made it an unintentional habit.

 

"I'm sure you both are anxious to find out why I asked to meet with you. Please rest assured it is because this is a very confidential matter and keeping this private is expected," she pauses to make eye contact with Poe and Rey as she waits for their response.

 

"Of course," Poe is the first to reply. "Confidential. I understand."

 

Rey follows, "of course General."

 

General Organa nods and continues, "we have received sensitive information regarding a leak in our command. There have been several missions that were failures due to information we believe was released to the First Order. Our sources are positive that it is someone in this command locale,  and it seems it may be Ben."

 

It takes Rey a moment to realize the General is speaking about Kylo Ren then she looks at Poe. He seems to be considering this information, his smile gone and replaced with a set jaw and grim features.

 

"They suspect Ben or they're certain it is Ben?" He asks.

 

"They have information that leads them to believe it is Ben, though so far the evidence has been limited. The main belief that it is him is because of his proximity to our missions and the fact that he has gone on missions with us. The other assumption is that he is communicating with Snoke which is why they are having difficulty proving the leak is him." General Organa's voice has a pang in it that catches Rey off guard; surely the General and Master Luke would be able to tell if Ren were using the Force to communicate with Snoke.

 

Even more, it seems likely that if Snoke were communicating with Ren, then the First Order would know where this base is located. It was too much for Rey. She couldn't believe this kind of betrayal possible for Ren. But then again, he had already betrayed the Republic and the First Order, why not the Resistance?

 

"So what is the plan General?" Poe asks.

 

"Well, we have devised a plan that should bring the leak to the surface. The upcoming mission that you are assigned to on Eriadu. There have been two briefings on the plan. One is set with the real plan, and the other is the baited plan to catch the leak. We have divided the groupings up so that those we know we can trust are all in a critical position to complete the mission," the General says.

 

Poe and Rey nod in unison, but it is Rey who asks the question. "What do you need us to do?"

 

General Organa purses her lips again, a habit when she is hesitant, "Rey dear, I will have you and Poe on a ship with Ben. You will land on Eriadu, and you will tell Ben you are under instructions to obtain a set of plans for their manufacturing plant. However, the real objective is to obtain intel on locations for their Star Destroyers. We have been unable to locate a base planet for the First Order; even Ben had no knowledge of the whereabouts of the leadership of the First Order."

 

The General turns her back to Rey and Poe, cupping her hands behind her back. "I find it very concerning that Ben has no knowledge of the whereabouts of Snoke. I believed that he trained directly under the Supreme Leader. However, he has no such memories and says Snoke always kept him at arm's length. A precaution due to his previous apprentice who had tried to kill him."  
  
"Do you believe him General?" Poe asks.

 

She glances over her shoulder at Poe. "I would like to. You see, I have my own suspicions about the leak. But the Republic and the Resistance leaders have different views. They don't see my son as I do. To them, he is a faceless monster, guilty of patricide."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read. Comments are welcome and much appreciated.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe and Rey chat with General Organa and then Kylo Ren comes to Rey with a disturbing discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have returned! Life was crazy! Picked up and moved across the country, staying at home with my kids and going back to school again! I am so sorry about the long absence I was planning to continue and I have been actively working on this story, but I hope you will forgive me for taking such a long break. Thank you to those of you who have been reading and commenting still. I so appreciate it! <3 Dark

"If we are mark'd to die, we are enough  
To do our country loss; and if to live,  
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.  
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more."  
\-- William Shakespeare's play, Henry V, in Act IV Scene iii 18–67.

 

Poe remains silent, there isn't much to be said after General Leia Organa had finished talking. He furrows his brow and glances at Rey but she shakes her head. They will wait till the General sends them away.

Leia slowly turns around and smiles at them both, "forgive me, I was lost in sweet memories." She reaches out and rests her palms on the flat of her desk, absentmindedly stroking the cool surface. She seems to still be adrift in thought.

"Is there anything else you need from us?" Rey asks, hoping that Leia will give them leave to go.

Leia shakes her head, "no, I think that will be all. You are leaving to tomorrow to collect kyber crystals. You should go pack and get some rest. Poe, you do need to prepare for your mission. But I think we're all due for a day to relax."

Rey and Poe rise in unison turning to make their way to the door. But Rey suddenly feels the urge to throw her arms around Leia and give her a hug just as she did the first day they had met. They have both been mourning the death of Han Solo then. Han Solo had been like a father to Rey even though she had only known him for less than a day. And Rey had instantly felt their connection through the Force, just as it calls her to Ren, it had called her to Leia. Kindred spirits. One with the Force. Instead of pulling the woman into her arms she says, "General Organa?"

"I've told you my dear, to you I am Leia. I will always be Leia. Please don't call me General again. It makes me feel so old," Leia replies kindly, pulling herself up to her full height and crossing her arms.

"I'm so sorry about Ren-- I mean Ben. I don't think he could be the leak," she says.

Leia seems stunned at this admission but slowly beams a smile at Rey. "Well I am very glad there are some who haven't lost hope."

Rey can't think of anything further to say. She feels that anymore talk will just make the situation more embarrassing for herself and Leia. So she takes her leave with Poe at her side.

As soon as they are out of the General's quarters Poe lets out a slow breath. There is always an edge of mirth in his voice and his eyes are filled with laughter as he says, "Hey, do you think you ought to talk to Leia about what's been going on with you and her son?"

It's a simple question but Rey feels a flash of guilt and her stomach churns. "Absolutely not! Are you mad!? How could I possibly speak to that wonderful woman about making out with her son?!"

Poe chuckles, "wow you catch on quick!"

She smiles at that, she's always been adept at learning new speech. "Now how exactly is make-out another word for kissing? Is it some sort of slang?"

Poe laughs all the way back to her quarters.

*****

He's there at her door again, slowly tapping. She didn’t think he'd be back so soon after she rejected him and yet there he is.

She pulls the duvet covers back from her bed and stretches, she might as well see what he wants. She hasn't enjoyed the silence that comes from the closed bond. It makes her feel so alone. You’re not alone.

She wobbles her way to the durasteel door and presses the comm, "what?"

He taps again, not responding to the question. He knows she has a harder time sending him away if she sees him.

She presses the comm again, "I'm not opening till you tell me why you're here."

He taps again.

"I mean it!" she says pressing the comm button so firmly she thinks it might stick.

"I couldn't sleep," his voice comes over the comm, it is weary and somewhat strangled. "Let me in."

"Go back to bed," She replies trying her best to stand firm. "I was sleeping."

"Please."

She sighs, contemplating. If she lets him in she might have to deal with what has transpired between them. If she doesn't let him in they will be stuck collecting kyber crystals with Master Luke and she is certain that Luke would notice the tension. And Ren would likely make the situation unbearable if she doesn’t deal with it.

She can feel the tug of him against her mind, his thoughts are erratic and dark. Something or someone, he feels is twisting his emotions. She recognizes the descent, he is falling deeper into the dark. Fear the driving force behind his plunge.

She leans in to the comm and presses the button, "if I let you in, you have to promise me that you will behave yourself."

There is a dark chuckle on the other side of the durasteel door as she waits for his reply.

"Promise," his curt tone sending shivers down her spine. It reminds her so much of his voice through the modulator.

She presses the button and the door slides open to reveal him there, slumped in the doorway, sticky sweat matting his hair to his forehead. The bags under his eyes and the dark purple around his face give him the appearance of someone who hasn't slept in weeks. He says nothing as he walks past her and settles himself against the wall next to her bed.

"What happened? You look terrible," she says.

"I couldn't sleep," he replies, his tone icy.

"I gathered that. Otherwise you wouldn't be calling on me at such a late hour," she snaps. If he is going to be rude then she shouldn't have to be cordial. "More to the point, why couldn't you sleep?"

He looks up at her, his hooded eyes settling on her mouth for a moment and then darting back up to her eyes.

"I saw him." His trembling fingers clutching against the wall like a drunk man trying to steady himself.

"Snoke?"

"Yes," he pauses again, searching for the right words. "I saw you too. We were there. With Snoke and-" he pulls his words out in raspy whispers. "I saw him kill you."

"It was just a dream," she says.

"No," he looks up to meet her gaze. "It was a vision of the future."

At the word vision, Rey feels the tight coil in her stomach, whatever future doom he has foreseen it does not bode well for her or for the resistance.

She shakes her head, "How do you know?"

"I feel it," He is so earnest in his tone and the Force echoes his sincerity. He is certain this came from the Force.

"Wait, tell me the whole vision," she reaches out for his shoulders and pushes him up where he's curled in on himself. His eyes are haunted, and he seems unable to speak until she hears him in her mind.

I'll show you.

His hand finds hers and the bare skin on skin is enough to send a current of electricity through her veins. Then the room seems to fold in on itself and suddenly they are there, standing together in a room, dark red, bare but for a solid throne on dais at the furthest end. Atop the throne sits the Supreme Leader, his thick gold robe draping over the steps to the dais. Anakin Skywalker's blade set on the armrest and Snoke strokes the metal hilt with an idle finger until his voice, gritty and vile, cuts into her head.

_Good work my young apprentice. You have brought me the girl. And now you will fulfill your training. Cut her down. Your true enemy._

Rey gasps as she feels herself rendered immobile. Snoke's power in the Force is stronger than she realized. He turns her to face Kylo Ren. Fear, panic, she can't breathe. But then she sees Ren reach for his own blade and she almost feels her heart stop. He won't do it will he?

He unlatches his saber and raises it with one hand, she cannot move so she does not see how he crooks his fingers to turn and ignite the Skywalker blade. But he is too late, Snoke has pulled the saber into his hand at the same moment that Ren ignited it. A crushing pain fills Rey's head and she screams as her body is pulled back to the dais by Snoke.

Ren is running towards her screaming, lightsaber igniting and she feels a sudden heat slice through her and then a deep cold as she stares down at the blade that has struck through her back, blossoming out her chest.

The anger in Ren is roiling, his eyes wide and she sees the tears streaming down his face as she falls forward off the blade. The last thing she sees is Ren surrounded by red guards and the last thing she hears is him calling her name.

Then she feels like she is underwater, she can't breathe again and suddenly she is falling, falling, falling. But then strong arms pull her up and set her on the bed as a wave of nausea overtakes her and she feels as if she is going to be sick.

Ren's breath is coming in heaves as he kneels in front of her. "See? I told you, I can't-- I won't let that happen," he says as he buries his face in her lap. She's still too stunned to even move but then her hands find his hair and she tangles her finger in it.

"It won't happen," she says, though her confidence in her own statement is shaken. "We won't fail. When we fight him, we will win." He feels her then. Her strength, her light, her resolve flowing over him, and he looks up at her.

"I don't know," he says. She sees the tears in his eyes as she pulls him up and brushes his forehead with her lips. "But I won't let him hurt you."

The way he looks at her as she pulls back makes her feel something, the delicate touch of something unspoken. If not for the bond would she still feel this?

He stares at her, his eyes pleading. But she doesn't exactly know what he is pleading for.

"You can stay here tonight," she says.

His eyes widen, this is clearly more than he expected her to say. “I shouldn’t,” he whispers it, more to himself than to her.

She bends down and kisses the top of his head. “You should, you’ll sleep better.” He presses his head into the crook of her neck and sighs.

“I didn’t come here to tell you about the vision in hopes you would have pity on me,” he says quietly.

She almost smiles at that. The last thing he wants from her is pity. “I didn’t think that. If I had a vision like that I would have come to you.” But then would she? If she had a vision that he brought her before Snoke and was commanded to kill her, would she trust him to do the right thing? How often has he made the right choice in the past?

He seems to sense her hesitancy even though he has tried to dampen the bond so she cannot feel him. “I can sleep on the floor.” He says finally, pulling away from her to stand.

She reaches for him again, gripping the rough fabric of his tunic. “Absolutely not. I highly doubt you have ever slept on the floor. I have, for years, and now that I’ve finally slept on a bed I don’t plan to ever go back.”

Her eyes rise to meet his and he seems to shake under her touch. He’s ashamed of his upbringing of how he was treated like a prince, the son of Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. He had been given every luxury, but Rey, she had been abandoned in the Jakku desert. He knows only a little of the life she had carved out for herself and he knows it was not easy.

His wet eyes gleam back at her. “The life you have led, the hardships, and to still be so strong. You are so strong.”

Her heart is hammering in her chest again, “Ren, I think we have both had hardships.”

He nods slowly, “but while my hardships were only emotional, yours were also physical. You had to survive on your own in a wasteland, without any support—“

“So did you,” she interrupts. “You forget, I have seen into your mind as well. I know what you experienced. How you felt.”

She doesn’t give him a moment to respond instead she pulls him back down and onto the bed. “Lay down now and get some rest.”

She rolls to her shoulder and props her head on her arm, trying her best to not feel his weight on the mattress, or how he shifts to roll onto his back and settles on top of the blankets.

Rey is so tired she falls asleep almost instantly, but before she drifts she thinks she hears him whisper, “thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading and commenting!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. What will Rey's plan be? Will Ren be able to train with Uncle Luke again? Let me know your thoughts, feed back is greatly appreciated!


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